Don’t tell me, I already know what you are thinking with that title. Yes I am guilty of doing such in the past and I completely understand I am living in a glasshouse with a rucksack full of good-sized dried, hardened lumps of shit. But let’s take a step back and let’s re-prioritize a couple things in 2017 seeing how it’s not exactly 1997, or 1987, shall we?
‘Member that cankerous old fart in 1984 family classic “The Neverending Story.” I’m sure you do. If you don’t then you weren’t creeped out at the right age before you found your Dad’s hidden porn-stash when you were older. If you had re-written the monologue between the kid with the annoying 80’s bowlcut and creepy old fart, apply by today’s standards….it would go something like this:
Go ahead and admit it….we’ve all been this dude at one point or another.
Mr. Koreander: The Apple Store is down the street. Here we just sell small rectangular objects. They’re called vinyl records. They require a little effort on your part, and make no bee-bee-bee-bee-beeps and digital buffering. On your way please.
Bastian: I know records, I have 186 of them at home.
Mr. Koreander: Ah, all MP3s.
Bastian: No, I’ve listened to “Master Of Puppets“, “The Number Of The Beast“, “Reign In Blood“, “Tomb of The Mutilated“, “British Steel“, “Iowa.”
Mr. Koreander: Whoa whoa whoa, who were you running from?
Bastian: Just some kids from school.
Mr. Koreander: Why?
Bastian: They think I listen to out-dated music and call it “Dad Metal.”
Mr. Koreander: Why don’t you give them a good iron fist to the face, hm?
Mr. Koreander: Your bands are safe. While you’re listening to them, you get to become Rob Halford or James Hetfield.
Bastian: But that’s what I like about ’em.
Mr. Koreander: Ahh, but afterwards you get to be teenager again.
Bastian: Wh-what do you mean?
Mr. Koreander: Listen. Have you ever been James Hetfield, trapped inside the struggle within while the frayed ends of sanity are attacking you?
Mr. Koreander: Weren’t you afraid you couldn’t escape?
Bastian: But it’s only a song.
Mr. Koreander: That’s what I’m talking about. The bands you listen to are safe.
Bastian: And that band isn’t?
Humor aside, this is how a large portion of both mainstream and underground fans still act to this very day. This isn’t me getting my panties in a bunch over so-called “elitists.” For one that’s the biggest safe-answer and laziest excuse that a person can use in 2017. It’s like someone calling you a Nazi for no apparent reason. Second, if “elitists” still exist then they don’t go about proclaiming themselves to be such. Instead they are keeping to themselves and off the grid. Far away from trying to obtain online points. Truth be told I don’t consider ANYONE under the age of 34-ish a legit elitist. Unless they were actually there in the 90’s, but that’s neither here nor there and I don’t want to get too far off topic.
I get it. We live in a day and age where anyone can really find anything on the internet and the rules and laws of the old seem to practically no longer exist. Said laws of old guard still exist, but it’s just a small following that still practices those laws but we’ve grown older and are giving less of a fuck these days seeing how our lives have changed since we were kids. It’s kinda like how Punk Rock was based on nihilism and giving the system the finger. Those OG Punk Rock fans have grown up and changed with families, kids, and all go to bed at a decent hour. Of course they still have the occasional cold one with the boys, but at least now in moderation.
It might seem like I’m back-tracking on my words when I say these sort of things, but I can assure you that I’m not. If there is anything I dislike more is some mediocre jack-off who thinks he’s some all-knowing and all-seeing wizard gate-keeper from Lord Of The Rings to some unknown bastion of music….even if it’s music/bands I listened to about a good 5-10 years prior to meeting this spergy individual. And the pretentious cum stain is just mildly lurking around in the comment section of Loud Wire or Metal Injection FB page waiting for his key-master to arrive and vice-versa. Worst part is the fucking attitude. That I cannot stress enough. And not only to someone who doesn’t even remotely fucking care about his scared cow(s), but then also has the audacity to act as if he’s the only idiot that knows the bands he listens to.
If I might propose a simple solution to this minor problem that seems to overblown and out-of-proportion; if the person doesn’t give a fuck, just shut up and end it. There’s no way you will convince a Stone Sour or Machine Head fan to check out the new Spectral Voice or Death Worship and enjoy the reaction of them staining their jockey shorts. Or if you are trying to impress some 5/10 looking female who is a lonely Army housewife who listens to Five Finger Death Punch singles at some local watering hole to start listening to Sepultura. Even if you do recommend “Roots.” That like how I don’t expect a fan of Lamb of God to automatically start praising Immolation or Mythos. You’re best with joining FB groups or whatever other open-based platform of expressing opinions and finding like-minded people to chat with. At least keep the comments sections clear of this type of cancer that unfortunately a bunch of angry, pent-up, overgrown metal dorks have given the art of spreading the name an actual bad name.
I know this is a pipe-dream and I’m more than likely yelling at a brick wall, but this isn’t fucking Ghostbusters either so may be there is a chance that some day metal fans can drop this pretentious shit. I guess I’m more or less showing my age and own personal mentality and love of helping spread the name of Band X and going about the whole (and I quote Chuck Schuldiner on this one) “keeping the metal faith alive” but in a more down-to-earth manner. I can understand you making recommendations to someone who is legit interested in wanting to know more. That’s not my issue. FORCING people to check out a band and knowing they could care less and rather listen to what they want while you’re left in the dust stamping your feet as if you were personally insulted. I say to hell with those people. let them listen to what they want. But to someone who legit wants to know….just be courteous for fuck’s sake and don’t expect the world out of them. Stop giving the media a reason to write articles that are going to make you wonder what Corey Taylor thinks. Actually be a more civilized and less of a neurotic human being, and just MAYBE that 14 year old kid or mid 30’s dude will check out and listen to your favorite music. Small things like that add up, but only metalheads with gatekeeper mentality are subtracting any sort of credibility and making it loose so much in the eyes of assholes such as myself.