Surprise! I’m A Nazi-Sympathizer…or something to that degree.

It finally happened! I got accused of being a Nazi-sympathizer! YAY! Now I can happily and rightfully join the millions of other people who are accused of such yet have zero in fucking common with actual white surpremacists or those that actually do sympathize with those inbreds. Because that’s all that needs to be said in 2018 is the dreaded “N” word. And no not THAT other dreaded N word, you cis-scum! Dat’s racist!

I’m actually surprised it took this long for someone to accuse me of being a Nazi-sympathizer or have any sort of inclination that I would stand up for fascists or a political party that exterminated 6 million. And if you think I’m going to stand up for the other party that slaughtered and starved 10 million of it’s own fucking people, you’re even dumber. Because the truth I have neither been for either or which is based on the fact that I come from a large military family that fought against the Allies (That includes Germans and Japanese), the Vietcong(a.k.a. Communists) in Vietnam, and even engaged in intel/psych ops against the KGB intel officers in the 80’s during the Cold War. I myself personally enlisted in the U.S. Army in 2005 to continue the family tradition of serving one’s country, but that got snubbed due to an injury during training. That’s an entire different story and neither here nor there. Let me back up to this incident where my words got misconstrued as this human being that would sympathize with some of the most heinous human beings that ever walked the face of the planet.

The topic was brought up in a Facebook Group (why I still partake in these, I don’t know, I’m fucking 35 and have grown too big and old for this shit ) and the topic was a picture of some neckbeard that had a screenshot of a quote that said neckbeard typed in an attempt to look hard:

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Scared. 2 hard 4 me.

Now upon seeing this pic I immediately became fucking depressed. Because if this is the best we have at defending the ideal of democracy and the U.S. against some skinny-fat dweeb with a fuckboy haircut that is nothing more than a Trump supporter, quite honestly we are in deep shit as a nation. If you look at the pic in the very top left hand corner, you will see that it’s not an actual Swat Team-style shotgun; It’s a fucking Airsoft gun. Me seeing this was another example of how I feel that people in 2018 are drinking too much digital courage. Meaning if this Jack Black-looking dork were to meet an ACTUAL white supremacist, he would more than likely hesitate, stutter and end up eating his food through a straw for the rest of his life. Which again I am not talking about the Richard Spencer-looking fuckboys who are pissed that they were given the pity handjob; I’m referring to the hardcore Prison lifers who joined the Aryan Nation to defend themselves. I’m talking about the dudes who are fucking 6’2″ 250 of pure-jacked-up prison muscle from doing time in general population for the past 20 years. Basically this dude:

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Yeah, I would not want to meet this guy in a dark alley. Just saying. I don’t care how hard you claim to be.

And so then I said that roughly 90% of Americans would not have the ability to murder another human being. That same percentage I argued have more or less never been in a physical confrontation in their life. That leaves us with a small 10 percentage which (after you do the math) is still a massive amount of people I have lumped together. This percentage includes a handful of  select groups. The first group I put into this percentage would be those who have been in or engaged in combat, or survived combat. Basically Military who are either currently active duty OR certified veterans. But even most military do not serve on the frontlines. A lot of them are what are known as REMFS which is short for REinforcement MotherFuckerS. Basically that what grunts refer to anyone who isn’t hard. But even REMFS have to go through the SAME combat training and be taught how to kill without hesitation. The same training as infantry be it regular, Airbourne, OR the elite rapid-deployment units (Rangers, Green Berets, Seals, Special Ops, Recon, etc). Another group I included were those athletes that engage in hand-to-hand combats (Boxing, Ju-Jitsu, etc.),  and athletes that engage in physical contact sports (Football, Wrestling), ….THESE people are taught how to engage and be aggressive even in the name of sports. They are taught how to take physical abuse and survive and above all, win. The OTHER group of people I put into this percentage and even this group is divided into two mini-groups: The first being the alphas. The macho motherfuckers. Yeah you know the one. The stereotypical dude that has a restraining order against him, drives a Ford F150, has a chin strap and listens to Five Finger Death Punch and drinks a shitload of Bud Light. The other are the sociopaths. This includes serial killers, those with mental illness who snap one day and go postal, gang members, etc. You combine this massive, swirling, chaotic vortex of pure dripping testosterone with NO FUCKS GIVEN and you have someone whom I could see actually instigating or engaging in a legit fight.,

Which brings me to my next claim. My next claim I said after I mentioned that massive percentage of people who haven’t been in a fight, that everyone including the stereotypical pink swoopy-haired LGBT “soyboy” that conservatives love to give shit to in comment section are all of a sudden getting this huge fake bursts of online digital courage. Meaning I do NOT see these people engaging or making the first move to go out and fight or kill an actual white surpremacist/Nazi as pictured above. I don’t see them all of a sudden growing huge balls of fucking iron and steel and dropping everything at a moment’s notice and taking another human being’s life. Even if they felt lucky on that particular day, they would lose. Again, let’s compare both the stereotypes I am discussing here that got your favorite blogger tagged as a Nazi-sympathizer:

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These dorks

VS

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The Aryan Brotherhood

I’m not even rooting for the meth addicts above. I’m going simply by lifers hardened up in the prison system who have either abused themselves or each other in close-confinements to the point of dehumanization and stripped of damn near every basic human right versus a bunch of soft skinny-fat liberal males who probably couldn’t even do 5 push-ups and have basically had a pretty easy life. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know or see the outcome of this particular incident.

After I said the buzzword “soyboy”, in came the online pile-on. Which all of a sudden I heard the infamous “nazi-sympathizer” buzzword tag. That was I when I was trying to point out that majority of people are only SAYING “Kill Nazis” just on the intent for likes and for their internet gold star for the day.  I even said that I have no objection with some white supremacist or Nazi being murdered. But the fact that I challenged the idea of instead of just saying  “Kill Nazis” and actually backing up what you say online and doing it without a single hesitation at the drop of a hat got your favorite blogger painted and misconstrued. I asked what is stopping said random person from taking another human beings life. This was the reply.

The law.

That’s the excuse? A pretty weak one if you ask me. Probably weaker than the fact that I got called a Nazi-symapthizer. If you want to know my personal history and how I feel about Nazis…..let’s hop into the Nocturnus time machine and turn the clocks back all the way back to when your favorite blogger was in the 4th grade. That was somewhere around 1991-ish. Up until this point I had no idea what a Nazi, let alone the Third Reich was. Even though my Mother’s side of the family is German Americans, there was no talk of it. Until the day I saw a pic of a swastika. Being a dumbass 4th grader with no idea, I tried to draw a swastika in one of my school text books. My teacher saw this and told my parents. That night, my mother sat me down on my bed and showed me a book full of pictures of Jewish holocaust victims and concentration camps and wanted to know if I knew what I was doing. Being an ADHD 4th grader that did not have the emotional or mental maturity or ability to take in what all of this meant, I nervously started laughing. I did not understand. I was a child. At that same time my Mother fucking snapped and started beating the living shit out of me. About after the first few seconds of what felt like a complete descent into hell, my father comes running into my bedroom and jumps on the bed, grabs her hand, and says to her in a really low growling voice “Do. NOT. Hit. My. Son. He doesn’t know about this yet.” After which what seemed like this weird awkward moment between my parents being my own father saved me from an ass-beating. That right there started getting the gears turning.

Fast forward a few school grades and I an in the 8th grade. This was around ’96-’97. I am taking remedial classes because I was a fuck-up then. Basically I was taking remedial history and math because I was more interested in reading the latest Metal Maniacs issue. By now I had grown up and knew exactly what a Nazi was and stood for. This was one of those days where I grew balls of steel and pulled a white wine moment a good 20 years before Phil Anselmo got berated and instigated. The instigator for me was my remedial class teacher. He was not only a teacher, but he also worked at Hungry Howie’s(a local pizza fast-food chain) and he did youth services for his Baptist Church which he was a Deacon at. I was the lone metalhead and in 1996/1997, being a metalhead was confused with being goth which automatically got you a shitload of flak. Well my Remedial Class teacher took a special interest in me whenever he found out that I was raised as a Roman Catholic. Being a young, angry, metalhead on top of that….well, you could just see his opportunity to swoop and heal this young boy of the demons from that loud rock n’ roll music and being indoctrinated into that godforsaken satanic church. I knew there was going to be problems very early on. So for damn near an entire semester I got selected out of my entire remedial class and got picked-on. Damn near everything I did resorted to him talking about the sins and horrors of rock n roll and how evil Catholics were and how they were with the Nazis and this and that. About 2-3 weeks before I left the 8th grade, I had fucking had enough of his nit-picking and excuse finding with me. So about the tenth millionth time that he reminded me how evil Catholics were, I pulled a Phil Anselmo, stood up to his face and screamed “WHITE POWER!” and threw a roman salute in his face damn near knocking his glasses off. Most of my classmates were either African American, OR Hispanic. They knew why I did that. They didn’t say a damn thing to me. Why? Because my classmates who were African Americans or Hispanics knew who the real wannabe Nazis were: the fucking redneck middle school kids who wore Tommy Hilfiger, wore confederate flag belt buckles, and listened to Master P while constantly saying the “N” word. Basically the OTHER white kids who were saying “I want to kick my own ass for reasons unknown.” Everyone also knew why I did that because they knew that teacher was LOOKING for an excuse. My teacher was provoking and instigating me for damn near an entire semester. Would I do that again being a 35 year old male? Absolutely not. Do I regret doing that to my fuckhead of a teacher who berated  me for an entire semester? Fuck no.

Fast forward to an older but still young version of your favorite blogger: I was 19-20 years old and living in downtown Lakeland. To make a long story short, my best friend at the time and I had seen pieces of White Supremacist pamphlets filled with actual racist cartoons about African Americans, Hispanics, and Jewish people that had some pretty vile shit drawn being strewn across Lake Morton. After seeing this my friend and I looked at each other and went “Where the fuck did this come from?” About that same time, we both saw a car drive past us on the street and on the back had a huge swastika flag draped over the back seat like it was a comforter. That was the ONLY time I have legit seen any sort of actual white supremacist. Was I scared? Absolutely. Was I going to pick a fight? Absolutely not.

Fast forward to a few months ago where I’m talking to my Uncle David in New Roads Louisiana. He is telling me about my family’s(mother’s side) German heritage. He told me for the first time that the Millers were originally German Jews who’s last name was originally Müller, but was changed when they originally came to the U.S. to escape persecution because they were German Jews. Staying in Germany meant a death sentence so they, like a lot of other German families, anglicized their last name to appear plain ol’ baseball and apple pie Americans and to escape persecution. Oh yeah and he explained WHY the Miller’s were mainly Catholics. Again it had to converting to Catholicism to escape persecution. Throw in my Father’s side of the family which where Scots-Irish/Black Irish, that’s why I was raised Catholic. Has that changed anything about my love for myself or my family? Fuck no.

I tell you these things because I am a 35 year old man with a clear conscious. I know a Nazi-sympathizer when I see one. I am not. I never have been. Oh yeah sure, you could find an excuse like my Satanic Warmaster tattoo on my left bicep, but you would be grasping for straws at that point. Look into my music collection? Oh shit, you found a fucking random Burzum album! OOPS! I enjoy black metal. Oh shit! The dude is from the south! THAT’S THE RED-HERRING! He’s a fucking redneck!!!! YESS!!! This asshole isn’t from Brooklyn, or Portland, or L.A., or Chicago! No, he’s a rural slack-jawed yokel in a swing state who’s state voted for Trump! WE FOUND THE NAZI!!!! YAY!

If there is anything that I have learned from all of this is that if I were to apologize(for reason beyond me, I don’t think deserves any sort of apology), it wouldn’t be enough. My family heritage wouldn’t be taken into consideration. The fact that my best friend whom I refer to as my brother who is Jewish would be overlooked. The fact that my step-cousin who is African American/Domican mixed who him and i have had Thanksgiving together with both of his and my family in his hood after my step-father died would have blind eyes turned on. The fact that my mother wears a goddamn Star of David necklace every single day or has a bumper sticker that say “Stand With Israel” on the back of her car wouldn’t hold water. The fact that I have slept with both black females and latinas (when I was a single man) probably would be consider bullshit and thrown out the window because I am as honkey as they come. I could give you a million reasons but in this day and age of online outrage culture, it simply isn’t good enough. I’ve learned the only thing that has changed ever since my days of being a 21 year old male first enlisting in the U.S. Army is the internet. It’s not the outside world aka REALITY that has changed. It’s the online digital world where it’s nothing but vapid, blank screens and everyone all of a sudden acting like they are fucking born to get hard. I’ve also learned that people rather engage in the act of online pile-ons and witch-hunts(of whatever kind) and anything else that would continue this vicious cycle of mass-hysteria and paranoia for the simple act of having a “Gotcha!” moment in order to be seen as virtuous and pious and pristine. Just for a few fucking likes on Facebook. Rather than sitting down and talking to one another and discussing why this and that like civilized human beings and trying to come together peacefully  instead of calling each other names in the attempt of one-upping.  Oh shit did I just pull out my very own liberal pacifist card? Gotcha! Case in point, if you’re looking for a boogey-man, you’re going to find it, but don’t let it blind you to the point where you are throwing accusations of nazism or nazi-sympathizing around.

May be I am showing my age when I say I remember when being called a nazi or a racist had serious inclinations and repercussions. If someone was a Nazi then….they WERE a fucking Nazi. These days anyone who is slightly an inch right of Bernie Sanders is called a nazi with no disregard.  Nowadays, if you disagree with someone or look at things from a different view or standpoint, all someone has to do is scream that you’re literally Hitler and end of discussion. They won the argument, you’re a piece of shit, Antifa is being called upon, and the world keeps turning and progressing into something more fucking stupid and not a single ounce of hope is gained from anything.

If you’re looking for an apology of any sort, go piss up a rope. No apologies will be given for anything I have said in my past, or now.

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Inquisition, Online Bullshit, and How Fatherhood Changes Your Perspective.

Photo by Greg Cristman | greg C photography™

The past 48-72 hours have been a massive social media shitstorm. I suppose by now you’ve heard on your newsfeed(as well as I have) that front man/guitarist Dagon of Inquisition had previous child pornography charges against him but the ass-kicker here is that ignorant fuckheads from Bumfuck Nowhere, Planet Earth are defending Inquisition, throwing it to the side and claiming it to be another metal blog inside job conspiracy theory to ruin another band that has meant so much to people. This is not the ONLY shitstorm as it was accompanied by a more minor shitstorm of people being offended and outraged that Karl Willets of Bolt Thrower was seen wearing an Antifa shirt. Reading all of this as I hurtle at a light speed’s pace towards being a father, it’s no surprised how the huge responsibility that lays before me how I’ve dealt with things then and how I deal with them now.

First let’s get Inquisition out of the way. I originally wasn’t going to say anything about this because not only was I and many others fans beyond shocked, but because the subject matter of what Dagon was charged with hit me really fucking hard and still does at 35 years of age. Not willing to say anything was based on two reasons; one was based on not wanting to believe if the charges against Dagon were true. The shock of these charges against Dagon saddened me personally. That was one reason.  The next reason is because your favorite blogger was molested as a kid. Several times. I didn’t speak up then. And I didn’t speak up or mention a word of it for roughly 15 years afterwards. You wanna know what that does to a human being? A lot of negative shit that if you have never had your childhood and innocence taken from you by someone who you thought you could trust at the time because they were someone whom at one point thought was your friend, then honestly you will never know. That shit leaves mental and emotional scars on a human being that run so deep you would find Cthulhu in the bottomless pit of the scars themselves. That’s not to be funny either because left unattended with no therapy or a voice, child abuse/molestation will leave a person left to their own ways to fight said demons in very self-destructive ways. As if adding pain on top of pain will cure the human being. And the disgusting thing about all of this is that there are people DEFENDING these actions. Did the same people defend the actions of Ian Watkins of The Lost Prophets when he was he did some pretty sick shit? The answer is “No because they were a shitty Nu-Metal band.” How fucking selective and desensitized to this topic have we become? We’re willing to throw one artist under the bus but don’t fuck with our personal scared cows because of favoritism? This is why I feel outrage culture is at the heart all based subjectively on personal taste. And this doesn’t just apply to Metal fans but people in general so may be that’s why I feel that these issues are never dealt with correctly. It’s why I’m left somewhat more cynical and more desensitized afterwards. Why? Because I know these are issues that are going to continue to happen unless we let those who need to speak up (the victims) and possibly act more humanly and compassionate towards them instead of saying shit like “You’re making it up” or accusing them of wanting to sabotage someone. Black Metal fans are quickly to defend the actions of their favorite musicians which runt the gamut of murder, suicide, arson, drug addiction, etc. These are all more or less self-destructive patterns. Being aroused by images of a nude child being raped goes far fucking beyond that. And I suspect the reason a black metal fan wanting to defend Inquisition is based on mainly not wanting to accept that Dagon is mentally ill. Either that or this fucking childish edgey “BLACK METAL IS SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL!” mentality. A mentality that honestly is old and worn-out and tiresome. A bunch of nerds online with keyboards who think that by defending Dagon they will be seen as part of an evil clique or some lame 90’s shit. Yeah cool bro, go read “Lords Of Chaos” again if it makes you feel any better. Bitching aside, as for Inquisition, I will no longer support them and will show it by not opening my wallet to them any time soon or ever again really. And if you can’t come to the same conclusion, then forget this blog ever exists.

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Bolt Thrower listen to lefty Hardcore bands such as Discharge. Detail at 11!

Now…..personal convictions, grudges, and triggering(It DOES exist, it’s not just a fucking  buzzword from Huntington Post) aside we come to the topic of Bolt Thrower. Karl Willets drew criticism and online outrage from god-knows-who as well as Napalm Death for supporting Antifa. Unbeknownst to these fucking idiots, Napalm Death and Bolt Thrower both come from the UK Anarcho/Crust Punk scene from the early 80’s. Which if you know anything about that particular music scene, it’s they are definitely a lefty bunch. So they’ve been what these outraged johnny-come-late posers call “snowflakes” for a very long time. Longer than it took for your own mothers to take one look at you and realized they failed humanity as a whole upon knowing they were pregnant with you. Just the mere fact that they would give birth to more idiots that would clog up comment sections on FB and social media was enough to make them into post-partum depression. As a massive music fan I could give a fuck less about an artist’s politics. That I do not care for. Meaning I will easily listen to everything from Grand Belial’s Key, to Discharge, to Burzum, to Ministry, to Pantera, to yes Napalm Death and Bolt Thrower. Politics never interested me for the most part. Remember how I’ve always preached about separating the art from the artist? I just recently did that with Machine Head. Even though I think Robb Flynn is a hypocritical, trend-hopping piece of shit that would easily throw one of his own mentors under a bus for clicks, I can still listen to the first two Machine Head albums and appreciate them for what they are: decent 90’s Groove Metal. Don’t confuse a fucking hypocrite, or your musician’s personal politics and someone who is mentally ill, sick and jacking off to child porn. I get irked a little when it comes to someone being hypocritical…..but pedophilia or anything that is associated with it physically nauseates me and I have zero toleration for it.

Impending fatherhood to a newborn baby girl is a major thing. And when you read the current culture of Metal, it’s fans, and see what is and isn’t accepted, how double-sided and downright hypocritical people are, and basically what everything is in 2018.: it makes me not want to let my daughter be exposed or have anything to do with Metal. Metal culture in 2018 is one gigantic edgy high school lunch gathering in the cafeteria. Fatherhood has taught me how to quickly grow up and see things in a perspective that I have never seen before. I’m very thankful for that. But from what I see in Metal, it obviously has a lot of fucking growing up to do.

German Goth Metal Dweebs Hit A New Low In Insulting Fans

It’s been rather quiet yet busy here at the Esoterica Codex crypt. My personal life has become very rewarding in being an expectant father and husband. On top of that, I’ve been working in the retail industry at my local Home Depot which I have had good success at. I’ve even recently reconsidered certain 90’s jamz in which I separated a certain artist from his art which has made his jamz slightly more tolerable and enjoyable. All and all, life has been pretty kick-ass for me. Zero to complain about. To sum up the past handful of months has led me to think and almost believed in that I’m finally starting to chill out and not give a shit about what pops on my newsfeed. Like I can legit go about my day and not be bothered by any recent hot topic controversy or the usual he-said/she-said bullshit.

Wrong. Today just proved me wrong.

While scrolling through my favorite website Blabbermouth.net (a website I like to refer to as the “Are we really giving this band news coverage? I thought they broke-up?” dot net or the “They haven’t died yet?!?” dot com website) I came across a certain band name I thought had fucked-off into the sands of dust and time. That band is Crematory. No not the kick-ass Crematory from Sweden. I wish that were the case, but it isn’t. No, this is the god-awful one. The downright cheese-fest Crematory from Germany.  The one that only us old fucks cringe upon hearing their name. And why do we cringe? Because this sole fucking reason alone just by itself:


It’s true: the 90’s were god-fucking awful. Believe it, Comrades.

The band Crematory was mentioned based on the fact that they hit a new and even more fucking lower level than previous mainstream metal acts who lash out at fans and journalists. Why? Not because of fans saying their new album sucks or even because of bad album reviews. Nope. Crematory have lashed out at their total of 12 fans from Uzbekistan of being lazy for not buying their new album. I’ll let that sink in and then I will repeat it: Crematory called their fans lazy for not buying their new album. Which is a fucking shock because 1, I thought they were defunct. 2, I didn’t know the band actually HAD enough fans to generate any sort of sales. And 3 being the fact that there are people that KNOW and actually listen and have purchased Crematory albums in the past is to me simply mind-fucking-boggling. If you want to know where I am coming from all of this, then I will take you on a trip down memory lane.

1997: The album is released and a young 14-15 year old version of your favorite blogger has just entered what used to be the old Spec’s Music chain store on the north end of Winter Haven, Florida that was located in the same shopping plaza as the Cobb Theater. Upon entering the door is a display of ball-chain wallet chains in assorted colors and single-row spiked wrist bands and iron-on patches from bands such as Pantera, Korn, and Marilyn Manson as well as The Spice Girls, Hanson, and Celine Dion. This merch stand is located right next to the long check-out register that is plastered in movie posters and other assorted entertainment memorabilia. Right across from this halcyon time capsule of depressing teenage memories and angst is the Metal album section in the CDs area (which was surrounded by cassette tapes and VHS videos, laser discs, posters, etc.). This Metal section of the CD area is VERY, VERY, VERY fucking small. It has the usual big names such as Metallica and Slayer. It has a lot of Hair and Glam Metal. Like a shitload. What exists for the more extreme stuff? A few local bands such as Cannibal Corpse, Morbid Angel, Deicide, and Obituary. There’s also Napalm Death, Sepultura, and yes Pantera. There’s 1 Cradle Of Filth album. And then my readers….there is Crematory’s “Awake.” This was the usual type of selection one could look forward to in the 90’s as far as chain record stores went. I listened to it by scanning the CD under the listening area, put the big earphones on and what I heard was one of the worst albums ever. I mean Crematory made Lunatic Kandy Kreep(for those of you that remember THAT band) look fucking hardcore in comparison. I simply shook my head and returned it it back to the Metal section where I found it and vowed NEVER to utter the sheer horror of it.

So why did I just go into vivid detail about a terrible listening experience at a fucking record store? Because I can tell you that lone album from Crematory sat in that same spot from the time upon it was released, collecting dust until the time Spec’s Music chain store called it a day and closed in roughly 2010-ish. What does that have to do with Crematory? Well it’s to give you an idea of how really at the end of the day, nobody on Cthulhu’s green domain has given a single shit about this band. Not even their 12 fans in Indonesia and even those 12 fans are not asking them to come to Indonesia any time soon. Crematory, much like Skinlab, were a by-product of the 90’s where an underground band was just LUCKY to have their music on the shelves of a music store, especially a southern Florida-based chain store like Spec’s Music.  Despite of how flat-out depressing the 90’s were, a place like Spec’s Music was a double-ended sword. On one hand one could not delve into the undergroundcompletely or get an idea of where to start, but at the same time this lack of knowledge provided some sort of accidental filter to actually give 90’s metal fans a bit of a warning. That warning basically meant along the lines of “In order to find the good shit, you gotta go through years and years of listening to the worst or the worst.” Sort of like a tempering process, meaning just how much you, a Metal-listening music fan in the 90’s when the genre was basically seen dead by mainstream society, were willing to put up and actually defend it. And bands like Crematory  were one of those instances where you questioned yourself  if you were actively trying to lose your virgintiy in highschool or take the path of being a giant nerdy neckbeard. Basically a “Choose Your Own Adventure” mindset. One wrong decision or music purchase and you would end up with this:

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Should have called themselves Virginity: The Band instead.

Not to get too far away from the reasons why Crematory hit a new low of temper tantrums, but the reasons why the band threw a shitfit is basically this:

“CREMATORY
‘s new studio album, ‘Oblivion’, will be released on Friday, April 13, 2018. We were planning to promote the album with a tour, starting on April 27, 2018 and running through all of May in Germany. That will only happen [if] you fans get off your lazy asses and start buying tickets for the announced shows. The presales are horrible and we will cancel the tour completely if the numbers don’t increase radically.

“The most important thing is that you buy our new CD and double vinyl edition, ’cause when I look at our sales statistics, I could start throwing up! Nowadays we are selling way more downloads and streams than we sell the original products, and this will be the death for all bands, ’cause you hardly get any money from this shit compared to the CD compensation. So as a matter of fact, a band will hardly make enough money to put a good-sounding album on the market.

“The worst is, that streaming on iTunesSpotifyDeezerNapster and all the other bullshit platforms doesn’t pay out for the band at all. Our last album, ‘Monument’, had 1.5 million streams and we don’t even sell 1% of that in original vinyl or CD products.

“This can’t go on like this anymore! It’s not only CREMATORY who is suffering from all that, but only we have the balls to stand up and tell you the truth. Wake up, you metalheads, and start honoring the value of real music and come back to buying the products. We don’t want music just getting wasted and being stored on harddrives, USB sticks, SD cards in miserable MP3 quality.”

Wow. A fucking four week tour in their home country of Deutschland? So rich. I’m sure they are paying to play any and every Euro Metal festival in that country. Actually scratch that; I don’t even see them playing those. Not even a local German bar or Oktoberfest or fucking anything. And don’t even get me started on some autistic-looking band talking how they have the testicular fortitude to tell the rest of the outside world about these things called ‘streaming music’, and ‘Spotify’, and ‘Mp3’s’ and ‘USB sticks.” I guess it’s true: Europe is 10 years behind the times as far as trends, fads, and technology in the US goes. And Napster? WHO THE FUCK STILL USES THAT? That’s like AOL Metal Chat. Does it even exist?

But then insulting and threatening your fans doesn’t seem like the wisest marketing strategy. Especially when your music videos look like this shit.

No, no, no, no,no. You’re not ‘misunderstood’…..you’re a bunch of fukking nerds.

But what then again, what do I know? Bottom line: Your band sucked in 1997 and still sucks now. Someone shut this goofy fucking mutton-chop-wearing kraut up and tell him to go eat a wiener-schnitzel.

The “Lords Of Chaos” film is absolutely NOT fukking needed and never has been.

So yeah there’s another celluloid travesty being made and it’s official this time. See for yourself:

Lords-of-Chaos-Movie-Poster
sp00ky

This modern day exploitative abomination has been in production hell since roughly 2009 as stated on Wikipedia. That right there is false and fake news. Rumors of said piece of shit had been circulating the internet ever since I developed an addiction to opiates in the early to mid 2000’s. And my feelings towards it have stayed the same since then:

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Fukking Hollywood Kunts

What gets my fukking goat about this dumpster fire of a film is all it is trying to do is capitalize off a fukking book that for one was based on tabloid headlines, and politics (so much has changed then huh? I’m looking at you Metalsucks :sips white wine:). ANYONE who was of age in the 90’s and was a legit fan and part of the much smaller scale Black Metal sub-culture will tell you it (meaning the book) was the worst thing that really happened to the entire genre. Not just Norway mind you, but the entire fucking thing. It wasn’t so much of a Catch-22 situation even as much as I wish it was, no it was the opposite THING of that. Some of us who were chemically fukked-up saw past the bullshit that it was with a grain of salt while a lot of others took it as an invitation into the genre/culture that would now be referrred to as modern-day tourism. Meaning people with absolutely ZERO fukking clue who’s brain chemistry aren’t as screwed up as the rest of us to come in and gawk and awe and think they were ever part of it. Now that might sound somewhat “elitist” to some of you reading this, but you’re talking to someone who WAS there and as a 35 year old and has seen the direction black metal has gone in the time since then. Basically what I am getting at is this: people want to be Norway Black Metal but when it comes down to the mentality and attitude – they simply fucking cannot comprehend that long forgotten ghost of a fire that once burned brightly. Especially people now who are so goddamn offended and politically correct. They wouldn’t last 2 seconds. Hell, not even one.

On top of people simply not getting it(as that’s always been the case ever since the days of bands like Venom and Hellhammer), they are also the type to cast their stones of modern day political correctness much like the newspapers/magazines/websites/blogs that throw shit at the genre and that particular scene. That and treating it as a corny VH1 Behind-The-Music special where a bunch of stupid metalheads did a bunch of drugs, banged some skanky groupies and all got platinum records and have these stupid epic cut-scenes where they’re all on stage in front of thousands of other stupid metalheads. Or there’s also the possibility of the movie turning into some lame-ass TLC Sunday afternoon movie where it’s about heartache and relationships and the ending is a misty eye-inducing tear jerker….some lame shit like that. It’s re-visioning of the past in the worst of fucking ways and it waters down that said fire that raged out of control.

The only good thing about this entire thing is that all the Norwegians themselves and loudmouth aging assholes such as myself are distancing themselves and telling the director to go fukk himself. Basically anyone with any sense of dignity is seeing this for what it is: Hollywood/Mainstream America coming in, cashing-in, exploiting it and selling this shit to bovine Machine Head fans who wouldn’t know what fucking metal is without Kerrang/Metal Hammer holding their clammy moist hands. Yes I know what I said completely contradicted my statement there considering that Kerrang did that whole article in the 90’s that was the world’s first view into this group of mentally-ill teens playing in the snow in Norway and talking about trolls…..but mind you that Kerrang then thought it was a joke and now they are alllllllllllllll fukking for it. Much like how the rest of the world has come around to making Black Metal normal, and politically correct and more inclusive and all that other shit that in truth churns my stomach at the end of the day. Completely watering it down where we end of with shit like Sacred Son or Deafheaven. We were forced to trade angry hearts, depression, sociopathic tendencies and general misanthropy for swoopy haircuts and 5 star reviews and song lyrics about not living in upper middle class Malibu and being able-bodied and culturally insensitive and god-knows-what-else.

For fukked-up individuals such as myself as a teen in the 90’s, that fire lit something rather primal under my young ass, scorching my prepubescent nut-hairs that the spirit itself still does. It was a rather nihilistic revolutionary mindset that went past previous version of rock ‘n roll rebellion and took it probably to it’s absolute extreme. Just basically short of starting some sort of Helter Skelter race war or inciting small groups of young teens to start fukking dead animals. But it WAS the 90’s and I wouldn’t be too surprised if someone was inspired to do such back then. In fact if word caught wind and screwed-up people such as myself would have heard about that sort of thing, we would have been all for it in this bygone sense of shock and over-the-top shit that kids THESE days claim to be “edge.” All I have to say about that is that what made men out of us ok? We weren’t allowed to talk about things such the virtue-of-the-week or standing against sexism or had any idea or concept of the gender pay gap.

And may be that’s what makes me so damn ornery about this film of Donald Trump-esque proportions. Ever since then I have yet to see any form of rock-based rebellion or even teenage rebellion that comes anywhere near close to what once was. At 35, I see teens/young adults online posting the dumbest of memes and/or talking about fantasizing and jerking off to online clips of Japanese anime tits on Xvideos.com. When in reality they should be out TP’ing their neighbor’s house on Halloween night. Or doing whippits. Or stealing their parent’s porno mags. Fucking doing something other than whatever their form of teenage rebellion is. Did I go too far off course with this one? I don’t know honestly, and nor do I care. Much like I haven’t really given a shit about Norway/Varg/etc in the time since. Going on any further about this makes me want to just drop all that I am doing and take up that Tide Pod challenge the more I think about it.

Bottom line: “Lords Of Chaos” is the SLC Punk movie meaning it’s the type of movie that your friends who weren’t really into metal wanted to watch with you.  Some things are best left alone in the past and should have remained in obscurity.

Aging Groove Metal Musician Loses His Shit and Acts Like A Child.

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:wiggerish hand movements intensifies:

No less than roughly 24 hours ago, Guitarist/Singer Robb Flynn of Machine Head pulled a Suicide Silence and threw a decent-sized online childish tantrum on Machine Head’s official Facebook page. Why am I talking about this? Because it serves him right. It serves him right after his entire career of confusing and duping would-be metal fans into believing his music was ever good in the first place. Or that he was the second coming of groove metal. Or that he had any sort of talent that extended past the first two legendary Vio-lence albums. Let’s take a moment to look at what this overgrown poser cried about shall we:

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First thing’s first: I cannot extend my congratulations and hails enough to Decibel Magazine. The gentleman there are real supporters of the underground and have a good record of calling out bullshit when bullshit appears. The fact that Mr. Jeff Treppel had the courage to call out Machine Head for what they are is a shining light in these biased times. For too long toilet paper magazines such as Kerrang and Metal Hammer and any over-the-hill Euro rock/metal magazine has hyped the fuck out of Machine Head for some unknown reason that even I cannot understand. The fact is that Machine Head have only been popular in Europe and Robb Flynn’s behind-the-scenes coattail riding and grandiose dreams of being the next tough guy behind the mic is a shtick that even long-time Machine Head fans are starting to wisen the fuck up and be ‘woke’ about.

Second and this is directed at Robb Flynn; If you cannot take any sort of criticism then just stop releasing music. Also don’t bite the only hand that feeds you and gives you any sort of magazine print coverage here in the States. Your Euro circle-jerk may have blown your Californian ego up in the 90’s in the UK, but you have a terrible history of not only trend-hopping, but doing every goddamn thing you can to gain the same level of mainstream success as whatever goofy mainstream metal band is currently having. Reacting the way you do to any sort of criticism reveals your true insecurity not only as a musician but also towards the very music you create. When Pantera were huge, you jumped on top of of those groove metal riffs and bastardized them with terrible Biohazard breakdowns. When Nu-Metal got big, you have bleached blonde liberty spikes and wore a baggy orange Jnco jumpsuit and look straight cut out of Insane Clown Posse minus the make-up. When Nu-Metal died and that god-fucking awful New Wave Of American Heavy Metal got popular on the Ozzfest/MTV circuit, you grew your hair back out and started claiming to be buds and an influence to bands such as Trivium and Killswitch Engage. Then when that died down you resorted to the good ol’ fashion “I’m REAL Metal” shtick.  Now after loosing that verbal round with the ragin’ Cajun frontman of Pantera, Mr. Phil Anselmo completely cold-cocked you back into 1998, back to your Nu-Metal era minus the image. What’s next Rob? Going to start citing Djent/Deathcore and make an album inspired by that? That’s one trend you haven’t tried to capitalize on. Yet.

The saddening thing is that Robb Flynn IS capable of writing good solid music. He WAS the guitarist of the Bay Area band Vio-lence for fuck’s sake! Let it be known for the record that as far as US Thrash Metal bands go; Vio-lence were one the only US bands next to Dark Angel, Demolition Hammer and Morbid Saint that could stand-up proudly next to the global greats such as Kreator and Sepultura. That’s one thing I will never take away from Robb was his riffs on those first two Vio-lence albums. Don’t believe me? Listen to this sample cut from the face-fucking Thrash Metal riff-o-rama beast of a debut album:


Riffs. Lots of them.

But ever since leaving Vio-lence, he has done nothing but sully and soil of all his god-given talent. Trading riffs in for whatever was flavor-of-the-month in the 90’s/2000’s. And for a guy that worshiped the ground that Pantera walked-on, he sure picked the wrong fight with Phil Anselmo of all people. At this point, the Decibel Magazine album review of “Catharsis” is spot-on. And it’s poetic justice to a whining overgrown crybaby man dude in his 40’s/50’s. It’s just deserts for a gentleman that thinks he’s perfect, and pious that uses every opportunity to open his fucking mouth much like Corey Taylor. And truth be told, I personally couldn’t be happier. For someone to be surrounded by a bunch of Yes Men in his camp, it’s refreshing to hear someone speak the truth about not just Robb Flynn but Machine Head even if it IS the unpleasant truth that Robb Flynn does whatever he can to stay relevant and charge his fans $45 for a fucking Affliction-looking t-shirt at concerts.

Closing statement: Robb Flynn should take the energy that he used to throw a tantrum and put that to help promote the fundraiser/benefit concert to his former band mate and vocalist Mr. Sean Killian in Vio-lence. That would be more positive than throwing stones in a glass house and accusing other lead singers as racist or whatever.

Hey Robb, cheers mate! :sips white wine:
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Language: The Art Of Watering Down

Neill Jameson (who I’m sure you’re by now familiar with) wrote a think-tank piece about the continuing entropy-like process that is happening to the concept and abstract idea of having a logical and mature adult conversation on social media on just about ANYTHING one says. He also spoke of some artist which I am still very confused with and having conflicting feelings about. Much like your Dad when he was having a tough time deciding between purchasing Swank Magazine and “Guys Butts Drive Me Nuts Vol.8” on VHS back in the 80’s.  Anyway, crass humor aside, Neill explains that now we’re getting to the point where discussion is all but a meaningless futile high school debate team class in session, but fuck if high school kids aren’t at times more mature than adults in 2017. He says that “These days, trying to have civil discourse—especially in the realm of metal—is like attempting to force feed a newborn an entire watermelon. I’m sure it can be done, if cartoons taught me anything, but the baby will just bitch that it wasn’t in season.” I for one cannot argue with this statement. But that got me to wondering; if the idea and concept of an actual discussion is going out the window then what the fuck is happening to the language that we are using? Don’t worry, I won’t lecture you about any bullshit preferred pronouns or anything dealing with the politically correct. I’ll leave that up to Metalsucks along with the white guilt. You won’t find any of that here.

This particular think-tank piece Neill Jameson wrote was inspired by an artist who parades around with the label “black metal” but is nothing except the pure hipster irony- full of sassy wit – much like fucking everything in 2017 with the exception having accidently been diagnosed with an infected scrotum. The said artist’s MUSIC wasn’t terrible by any means but was still fucking lazy and uninspired even though the music could have passed off at a C- in my book. And in the lengthy 300+ comment conversation that inspired Neill’s article, all I read were the same old comments and excuses and defenses, etc. about “tr00 kvlt” and “elitists.” Constant finger-pointing and jabs at things that don’t really fucking exist in 2017. And it made me again ask the ol’ question that ever since I started this blog, I have been asking which is loudly screaming in my mind “WHERE ARE THESE SO-CALLED FUCKING ELITISTS?” and what the fuck exactly is “kvlt” in 2017?

This lead me to realizing not only discussions are in danger of extinction, but language in and of itself. When we start tagging certain words onto anything we don’t agree with we not only end up in an upside down world where Donald Trump is President, and fully grown adults believe that the Earth is actually flat. It’s also where loudmouth toxic cis scum such as myself take a step back and starts calling bullshit on everything. Much like using the word “racist” in 2017 where it’s damn-near lost all meaning and value through over-usage. You can add words such as “elitist,” “kvlt” and just about any other preferred snub at the underground that you can think of to that list. Any word that can be used against die-hards and maniacs in the underground, or anyone that is extremely passionate about non-mainstream forms of music are constantly targeted as the bane of music’s existence. Which is funny to me because given my age (I’m hurtling towards 35 in March btw), because a lot of these words meant something completely different 20 years ago when I was 14 going onto 15. Yes I understand I’m reaching my old man yelling at the clouds stage in life, but there’s a point to what I yell at.

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“Oh you don’t like Sacred Son? Sorry that not everyone can listen to tr00 kvlt bands 24/7 such as you, but a lot of us see the irony in it and that’s what mainly counts in music these days nevermind that the music is worth fuck all.” 

History Lesson: In 1997 the word “elitist” didn’t even fucking EXIST for the most part. Nor did it find it’s way into the magazines such as Metal Edge, Circus Magazine, or Hit Parader. “Elitist” use to mean that you were or you considered yourself of the same quality of music as Norway. That was strictly a black metal musician’s term. And if you used it improperly you were given death threats or had dead rats sent to your mailbox as a way of calling you out on your bullshit. “KVLT” was originally “cult” which originally meant something pretty obscure. And in pre-Internet times, obscure was abundant. It was something that you HAD to go out, do your detective work, search for the clues that lead to whatever it was that you were looking for. Now anyone with a WiFi signal and access to Youtube can find anything at a click of a button in less than a second. Completely bypassing the time and patience it took in a generation or so prior to search out and develop an honest and passionate fan level appreciation for the artist. Nowadays, any two-bit mainstream deathcore band that wears white belts and vintage Death Row Records shirts from Hot Topic uses “elitists” as a way to lash out at their fans who basically say “Your new album sucks balls and you’re full of shit if you are trying to fool anyone by saying that you are ‘progressing’ and ‘evolving.'” Or if you are a fan and you think something is horseshit, you are called an ‘elitist’ and thought of as some basement-dweller that only listens to crappy NSBM bands that only has 50 copies of their demo on cassette form. Or some other over-used stereotype like that. But why Metal? Noise genre musicians are the leaders in terms of obscurity if we are comparing apples to oranges. In fact Noise artists puts Black Metal to shame as far as limited releases and obscurity. Nobody gives Noise artists any shit for such genre characteristics. And on top of that if there is one thing I have noticed is that if there are actual elitists of the metal kind out there, then they are keeping to themselves. Why? Because someone who is actually something doesn’t go around professing it and telling everyone. And if you a person who does the opposite, I can personally see thru your transparency. It’s like some chalk-white, stock motherfucker going around saying “I’m a funny dude’ and has the comedy level of Amy Schumer. In other words; you are NOT funny. So if you are a self-proclaimed “elitist”…..I can assure you that you more than likely listen to 87th rate bands that sound worse than the 50th rate bargain bin bands I listened to when you were still in your Avenged Sevenfold phase, dude. In the amount of time that I’ve been listening to underground Metal for the past 20 years, I can honestly fucking say that I have met/talked to possibly no more people than what I can count on my right hand that actually defined the term “elitist.” That’s about 5 total. These individuals for one do NOT even remotely talk to people on social media, let alone jump into a fucking Youtube comment section and argue with some snot-nosed 18 year old who is trying to revision the past.

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“Despite all of your valid points, I just called you a tr00 kvlt elitst through the usage of my wit. I win the argument. I was born in 1994 btw.” – Metal Discussions in 2017

And it doesn’t stop there.  The word “kvlt” is a meme as well. That word went from being regular ol’ ‘cult’ to having a shitload of tourists come in, steal and use it in the cringe form of “kvlt.” Don’t even get me started on the word “tr00.” “tr00” use to mean “true” which again use to actually meaning something. It meant you were getting the real deal Holyfield of music. When used in terms of black metal, it usually meant a band with real convictions, a dedication to general negativity, and all-around fucked-up individuals that made everyone around you think you beyond any help. Now, along with “kvlt” it’s also used in meme-worthy internet jargon. It doesn’t mean jack shit outside of someone replying to your statement. A good example would be “Oh you don’t like Sacred Son because you are some tr00 kvlt person that only listens to horribly produced music that sounds like it’s from 1998.” Which is sad because how does one differentiate between something that is OBVIOUSLY watered-down, plastic, disposable crap and something that is more durable, time-worthy, wallet-worthy, and actually DOES deserve the music fan’s support. The same goes for words such as “real.”  Hell even the word “Metal” is associated with a couple 12 year old Japanese girls who’s record label’s A&R executives should be fired and sent to prison for promoting a disgusting new form of kiddie porn. A lot of the coded language that the underground redefined itself with for the majority of the 90’s has sadly become nothing more than euphemistic wording that is associated with memes. And two-second wittiness and cheap jokes. And some people don’t actually know the difference between what’s real and authentic and something that is fake and a fucking joke.

If there is a resolution I can propose to this minor problem that continues to force me to yell a what seems like a brick wall, is to basically do this: treat others with respect and not sound like an insufferable condescending butthole. Yes, I understand that most of what I write may come off that, but the main difference I try to do is to possible educate, look for alternatives, and try to get people to have a better understanding of certain things and hope for the best. I know that is a pipe dream at the end of the day, but like I said; it’s 2017 and anything is fucking possible. I mean if Sacred Son can come along and try to pass his music off on those of us who know better then I know we as the collective Metal underground can find ways to be the better man, use our heads and try having a civil discussion even when you have people throwing words out  at us because they simply disagree with us despite our conservative stance on things. All while us saying “Fuck you” nicely. It’s possible and it’s it’s one of the things I am being optimistic about. Reason being is that regardless of my age and weird fucking time-frame I currently live in, I still love the underground. I still love black metal. I still love bands that use the whole corpse paint and spike-y image even though I would prefer that Americans leave that shit to the Euros when it comes to black metal imagery. I still do get giddy whenever I see younger generations take an actual general interest in black metal for the right reasons. I’m not completely without optimism.

Aside from my complaints and grievances, I’m not actually worried. The underground does have one thing to it’s advantage, and that it has a way of re-defining itself to go against the grain. It has it’s inner machinations that keeps itself at a relatively safe distance from mainstream society despite seeing the masses of Slipknot fans in FB comment sections worrying about Kim Kardashian wearing a fucking Morbid Angel shirt. These are the types of people turn around who laugh at terrible Metal memes that have Abbath from Immortal in it standing next to a cat in a bathtub and it says something fucking facepalm-inducing such as “This cat is about to take ABBATH!” (No I didn’t laugh btw) Bottom line: If you go by the words used by people who don’t listen to Metal (that statement is directed at mainly certain websites, not naming names btw), but still try to govern what you are and are not allowed to listen to, then yeah you’re lost on that one and I really can’t help you. But if you are a logical and rational human being who enjoys critical thinking and doesn’t hop onto one of the many online social media dog-piles, then congratulations for getting this far into 2017: You’ve already proven yourself worthy to talk to on FB. Believe it, Comrades.

FUKK: How Sadistik Exekution Helped Me Survive Hurricane Irma

As most of my readers know by this point, I as your ranting loud-mouth blogger, reside in Central Florida. Which means for the past 2 weeks I and everyone around me have been dealing with the now historic Category 5 Hurricane Irma. Which means my neck of the woods got slammed pretty good by the time that bitch went down to a Cat 1. But before I go any further….lemme back up a week and go about how Floridians actually got shook by this bitch of a hurricane.

A couple of weeks ago, I was a mere mild-mannered recently-engaged blogger who is currently working both part-time as a custodian in a Youfit Gym in Brandon, Fl while at home I talk about jamz and look for any opportunity as a contributing free lance writer to anyone willing to take a gamble with my big mouth. I had also dealt with coming back from an appointment at my nearest VA hospital in Tampa which I was told I would be going in for to remove a rather literal pain-in-the-ass cyst removal via surgery. My doctor was nice enough to give me a nice-sized bottle of Percocet which means I’ve probably been buzzed/high since then. On September the 4th, Florida State Governor and cancer patient/Valdemort-looking bitch, Rick Scott, declared state of emergency and told everyone to start getting the fukk out of Florida? My initial reaction was usual in typical Me-fashion whenever that cancerous-looking bitch opens his mouth:

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:NOTE: Was not wearing bullet belt when first heard about State Of Emergency btw 

Seeing how for the past 12-13 years Florida has not had one serious hurricane, I wasn’t immediately fretting. That was until my fiancee gave me that worried look and she told me to look on the local news. I saw with my own eyes that it was a Category 5 and 400 miles in diameter. My first thought that popped into my dazed and dank mind was “Yeah dude you might want to listen to her.” So I said to her “Ok, let’s keep our eyes on the news and track this sucker and see how bad it gets.” To give you a cliff note version of the next few days….it’s steadily went from bad to worst. Gas Stations begin raising and gouging their prices to just now there being absolutely no gas what-so-ever. Didn’t even bother looking for bottled water. Flashlights were another rare commodity as well as food and duct-tape. But the worst aspect of the total experience was seeing people good into panic-mode while they are on the road behind the wheel.

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TFW PEOPLE ARE MANIAKKS ON THE ROAD

Yesterday I did managed to stop by a couple spots and scavenge some much-needed supplies, so that made me feel rather confident that I could hunker down and ride this sucker out. But, what about jamz? If the power goes out….what would I do without music to listen to??? Then it hit me: LISTEN TO SADISTIK FUKKING EXEKUTION AND TELL THAT FUKKING KUNT OF A HURRIKANE TO GO FUKK ITSELF. FUKKING KUNT!!!! What better band to blast during a chaotic Category 5 Hurricane than the equally destructive and kaotic Sadistik Exekution?!?!?!?! The perfect plan….ok outside of actually listening to my fiancee and putting down the awnings and shit, but riding out a hurricane with Percocet in my system and blasting the almighty Aussies? FUKK YEZZZ!!!

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FUKKING KUNTS! FUKK!!

It all made perfect sense to me. Their music is about as loud as a hurricane. And just overall a giant mess to deal with so I said “Fukk it. I’m going to go listen to their entire discography as a way to pass the time.” I had been slightly pinged due to the chaos of everyone running outside like chickens with their heads cut off so I put on their first album “The Magus” to start the process.

On top of listening to jamz by the mentally-deranged Aussies, I started to become a bit fukked in the head myself so then I decided to do something really fukked and go outside during the hurricane and taunt hurricane Irma in typical Florida Man style!

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Yes, that is me you’re favorite online ranting loudmouth redneck from Florida telling Hurricane Irma to go fukk itself. Btw, I was completely sober when I did this, believe it or not.

After some hours went by the winds picked up even more until the wall of the hurricane started plowing through my neck of the woods. The electricity went out and I had to start lighting candles in my house. The winds were blowing so hard that it blew my front door open about 4 or 5 times through the night. And the sheer NOIZE of those winds. Lemme tell ya, Hurricane Irma was putting up a good fight outside. On top of all this and the door being blown open and me having to hold the door closed by the handle, I was getting a bit tense. I won’t lie about that. So then I remembered “Oh shit I have a bottle of good high-grade Oxycodone on the table. I WILL NOT DIE SOBER!.” So I rushed over to the table and popped a few Percs to keep me calm during the hurricane. While doing so, the door blew open again. This KUNT meant serious business.

This is basically Hurricane Irma summed up in one song

Time passes by and I started feeling the effects of those Percocet. After the eye of the wall passed over my house and things began to quiet down outside, I started getting rather drowsy and decided to crash on my couch. A few hours later I woke up at the crack of dawn, blurry eyed and groggy and my fiancee and I opening up our front door to gauge the damage done. Here’s what a merely simple Category 1 Hurricane can do to your surroundings when you piss it off enough.

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DON’T COME TO FLORIDA BTW.

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Now I gotta clean this shit up. FUKK!

Now that I’ve given you a nice little visual of what it’s like to deal with a Florida hurricane. Imagine all of this destruction plus on top of having NO electricity. NO wifi. And worst of all; NO air-conditioning meaning I’m sweating my hairy ass off 24/7 and even when I tried to catch a few hours of sleep at night. My fiancee and I stayed at my house a good 2 or 3 days before I looked at her and said “We’re getting a hotel room.” Which we had to because I had cyst surgery to be done the next day and keep my wound clean and disinfected. It was an ironic musing twist that I have to go through all that hurricane shit  just to put under the knife and get massively doped-up in the hospital, but goddamn was it worth it. After coming out of surgery and be given pain medication to take with me and having the week off from work, I basically went back to my hotel room I was staying at with my sweet-heart and proceeded to do the ONLY thing I could physically do at that time: GET FUKKED UP!!!


NEVER STOPP THE FUKKING MADNESS!!!!

But the story doesn’t quite end there. The following few days I learned that an out-of-state contracted electrician damn near started an electrical fire to my house which completely fried my meter box. Dealing with that and having to get a hold of my local city’s actual electrician only to be told “You need a private electrician/contractor to replace your meter box, weather mane and weather head.” Well that put a damper on my quest to come back home from the hotel. Somehow, someway, my fiancee and I managed to do so and restore electricity and A/C back into my 1950’s concrete bunker-built house. I’m just happy I can say that I can now officially get chill in my own living room while typing this.

If this story sounds a bit like somewhere between “Wolf On Wall Street” and “True Detective” in the level of insanity, drugs, and all-around destructive force of mother nature then yeah you would be right. Life itself is generally chaotic, especially mine. If anything I learned from Sadistik Exekution and this damn hurricane is that at 34 years of age I’ve grown to accept it. Because I live in Florida and I am a certified Florida Man and quite honestly….I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wouldn’t know what fucking normal is or how to deal with it. So until the next completely FUKKED moment happens in my life as a Floridian, I’ll simply leave you all with a nice hearty McConaughey-esque “Alright, alright, alright” gesture.

P.S. Stay away from Florida. Don’t come down here.