It’s been rather quiet yet busy here at the Esoterica Codex crypt. My personal life has become very rewarding in being an expectant father and husband. On top of that, I’ve been working in the retail industry at my local Home Depot which I have had good success at. I’ve even recently reconsidered certain 90’s jamz in which I separated a certain artist from his art which has made his jamz slightly more tolerable and enjoyable. All and all, life has been pretty kick-ass for me. Zero to complain about. To sum up the past handful of months has led me to think and almost believed in that I’m finally starting to chill out and not give a shit about what pops on my newsfeed. Like I can legit go about my day and not be bothered by any recent hot topic controversy or the usual he-said/she-said bullshit.
Wrong. Today just proved me wrong.
While scrolling through my favorite website Blabbermouth.net (a website I like to refer to as the “Are we really giving this band news coverage? I thought they broke-up?” dot net or the “They haven’t died yet?!?” dot com website) I came across a certain band name I thought had fucked-off into the sands of dust and time. That band is Crematory. No not the kick-ass Crematory from Sweden. I wish that were the case, but it isn’t. No, this is the god-awful one. The downright cheese-fest Crematory from Germany. The one that only us old fucks cringe upon hearing their name. And why do we cringe? Because this sole fucking reason alone just by itself:
It’s true: the 90’s were god-fucking awful. Believe it, Comrades.
The band Crematory was mentioned based on the fact that they hit a new and even more fucking lower level than previous mainstream metal acts who lash out at fans and journalists. Why? Not because of fans saying their new album sucks or even because of bad album reviews. Nope. Crematory have lashed out at their total of 12 fans from Uzbekistan of being lazy for not buying their new album. I’ll let that sink in and then I will repeat it: Crematory called their fans lazy for not buying their new album. Which is a fucking shock because 1, I thought they were defunct. 2, I didn’t know the band actually HAD enough fans to generate any sort of sales. And 3 being the fact that there are people that KNOW and actually listen and have purchased Crematory albums in the past is to me simply mind-fucking-boggling. If you want to know where I am coming from all of this, then I will take you on a trip down memory lane.
1997: The album is released and a young 14-15 year old version of your favorite blogger has just entered what used to be the old Spec’s Music chain store on the north end of Winter Haven, Florida that was located in the same shopping plaza as the Cobb Theater. Upon entering the door is a display of ball-chain wallet chains in assorted colors and single-row spiked wrist bands and iron-on patches from bands such as Pantera, Korn, and Marilyn Manson as well as The Spice Girls, Hanson, and Celine Dion. This merch stand is located right next to the long check-out register that is plastered in movie posters and other assorted entertainment memorabilia. Right across from this halcyon time capsule of depressing teenage memories and angst is the Metal album section in the CDs area (which was surrounded by cassette tapes and VHS videos, laser discs, posters, etc.). This Metal section of the CD area is VERY, VERY, VERY fucking small. It has the usual big names such as Metallica and Slayer. It has a lot of Hair and Glam Metal. Like a shitload. What exists for the more extreme stuff? A few local bands such as Cannibal Corpse, Morbid Angel, Deicide, and Obituary. There’s also Napalm Death, Sepultura, and yes Pantera. There’s 1 Cradle Of Filth album. And then my readers….there is Crematory’s “Awake.” This was the usual type of selection one could look forward to in the 90’s as far as chain record stores went. I listened to it by scanning the CD under the listening area, put the big earphones on and what I heard was one of the worst albums ever. I mean Crematory made Lunatic Kandy Kreep(for those of you that remember THAT band) look fucking hardcore in comparison. I simply shook my head and returned it it back to the Metal section where I found it and vowed NEVER to utter the sheer horror of it.
So why did I just go into vivid detail about a terrible listening experience at a fucking record store? Because I can tell you that lone album from Crematory sat in that same spot from the time upon it was released, collecting dust until the time Spec’s Music chain store called it a day and closed in roughly 2010-ish. What does that have to do with Crematory? Well it’s to give you an idea of how really at the end of the day, nobody on Cthulhu’s green domain has given a single shit about this band. Not even their 12 fans in Indonesia and even those 12 fans are not asking them to come to Indonesia any time soon. Crematory, much like Skinlab, were a by-product of the 90’s where an underground band was just LUCKY to have their music on the shelves of a music store, especially a southern Florida-based chain store like Spec’s Music. Despite of how flat-out depressing the 90’s were, a place like Spec’s Music was a double-ended sword. On one hand one could not delve into the undergroundcompletely or get an idea of where to start, but at the same time this lack of knowledge provided some sort of accidental filter to actually give 90’s metal fans a bit of a warning. That warning basically meant along the lines of “In order to find the good shit, you gotta go through years and years of listening to the worst or the worst.” Sort of like a tempering process, meaning just how much you, a Metal-listening music fan in the 90’s when the genre was basically seen dead by mainstream society, were willing to put up and actually defend it. And bands like Crematory were one of those instances where you questioned yourself if you were actively trying to lose your virgintiy in highschool or take the path of being a giant nerdy neckbeard. Basically a “Choose Your Own Adventure” mindset. One wrong decision or music purchase and you would end up with this:
Should have called themselves Virginity: The Band instead.
Not to get too far away from the reasons why Crematory hit a new low of temper tantrums, but the reasons why the band threw a shitfit is basically this:
“CREMATORY‘s new studio album, ‘Oblivion’, will be released on Friday, April 13, 2018. We were planning to promote the album with a tour, starting on April 27, 2018 and running through all of May in Germany. That will only happen [if] you fans get off your lazy asses and start buying tickets for the announced shows. The presales are horrible and we will cancel the tour completely if the numbers don’t increase radically.
“The most important thing is that you buy our new CD and double vinyl edition, ’cause when I look at our sales statistics, I could start throwing up! Nowadays we are selling way more downloads and streams than we sell the original products, and this will be the death for all bands, ’cause you hardly get any money from this shit compared to the CD compensation. So as a matter of fact, a band will hardly make enough money to put a good-sounding album on the market.
“The worst is, that streaming on iTunes, Spotify, Deezer, Napster and all the other bullshit platforms doesn’t pay out for the band at all. Our last album, ‘Monument’, had 1.5 million streams and we don’t even sell 1% of that in original vinyl or CD products.
“This can’t go on like this anymore! It’s not only CREMATORY who is suffering from all that, but only we have the balls to stand up and tell you the truth. Wake up, you metalheads, and start honoring the value of real music and come back to buying the products. We don’t want music just getting wasted and being stored on harddrives, USB sticks, SD cards in miserable MP3 quality.”
Wow. A fucking four week tour in their home country of Deutschland? So rich. I’m sure they are paying to play any and every Euro Metal festival in that country. Actually scratch that; I don’t even see them playing those. Not even a local German bar or Oktoberfest or fucking anything. And don’t even get me started on some autistic-looking band talking how they have the testicular fortitude to tell the rest of the outside world about these things called ‘streaming music’, and ‘Spotify’, and ‘Mp3’s’ and ‘USB sticks.” I guess it’s true: Europe is 10 years behind the times as far as trends, fads, and technology in the US goes. And Napster? WHO THE FUCK STILL USES THAT? That’s like AOL Metal Chat. Does it even exist?
But then insulting and threatening your fans doesn’t seem like the wisest marketing strategy. Especially when your music videos look like this shit.
No, no, no, no,no. You’re not ‘misunderstood’…..you’re a bunch of fukking nerds.
But what then again, what do I know? Bottom line: Your band sucked in 1997 and still sucks now. Someone shut this goofy fucking mutton-chop-wearing kraut up and tell him to go eat a wiener-schnitzel.