Stop the fucking presses! Apparently Metal is the worst and is officially dead.

Plot twist: It’s not and never will be.

So it was a slow, easy day full of cleaning up around my house and jammin’ out to random jamz when something caught my eye.  A recent article for CLRVYNT.com written by David Hall(director of Maryland Death Fest documentary) popped up on my newsfeed causing a massive shitstorm. Like other writers for music-related websites, he is another person making rather cynical crass and asinine statements about how Metal is supposedly the absolute “worst” and is “dead.” The first thing that went through my mind was how this is probably the billionth time someone has said along the lines of what David Hall is trying to make an argument about. Unfortunately, I have to hear and read about it on my Facebook newsfeed. It was a stupid thing to say in 1997 and 20 years later in 2017 it still holds no water or weight. You know the old saying that goes something like time is a flat circle and that everything we do, we will do again and again and again? This is a clear example. Journalists, writers, bloggers, and online complainers have done this time and again. They might make the argument that I am the proverbial 16 year old trapped in a 34 year old man’s body because I continue to listen to Metal and I could easily make the case that they simply got old, stopped caring, and became the father figure that I am not going to show respect for- especially when that father figure has been largely absent. The article is a clear example of “tl;dr” in the most cringey ways. Combine it with an edgy as fuck clickbait title, you would think this was Axl Rosenberg of Metalsucks in disguise. This shit had me seriously debating whether to ignore it, or take a step back and give him room to explain himself. Well I did the latter obviously in this case. So let’s just breakdown this example of the misguided anger-cynicism-edgy bull’s eye that David Hall is blindly trying to throw darts at and failing to hit.

David Hall starts his shit-list of complaints with this gem:

Is there any other genre of music that is so self-absorbed, so desperate for validation, so pathetically obsessed with itself, so childish and image-conscious, so accepting of conformity and mediocrity as metal? No. There isn’t. Because metal is the fucking worst, at least in North America, and it needs to get right or go away forever.

This depends on your source, dude. If you are basing these observations off the Metalocalypse-inspired goofy mainstream metal bands that sound like the really fucking TERRIBLE miasma of Arch Enemy/Behemoth/Opeth/Machine Head crud, I agree. The same goes for the Rockstar Energy Drink crowd of Korn/Five Finger Death Punch/White Chapel/Suicide Silence mainstream bros with plugs in their ears. Mainstream Metal for the most part has always been fucking goofy as shit. Glam Metal in the 80’s. Nu-Metal in the 90’s. Metalcore/Sweden-worship and Deathcore in the 00’s. Hipster Metal in the 2010’s. Mainstream Metal will always have it’s trends and fads and that’s all they are for the most part. BUT, if you are basing this off bands who are currently fucking things up in a positive way in the underground, then my good friend, you are seriously misguided. Let’s continue;

Metal is a petulant little child that is wrought with an Oedipus complex, an oral fixation and a collective transference of identity issues (somehow stemming from a lack of identity) that causes it to be constantly screaming for attention. Metal ALWAYS needs a great big dick in its mouth to calm it down and stroke its melodramatic ego. Metal wants to be heard and seen. It wants to rebel; yet, if you look at it, it ironically shuns your gaze because you are not credible enough to soothe its aching teats. Metal wants to be different, but only within a strict set of guidelines. Metal is a tireless masochist. It suffers, it moans, it whines, it annoys; it is a culture of emasculation, castration, penis envy, communism, capitalism and third-grade intellectualism. Metal is weak, ill-formed, small-minded, an accident. Metal is modern man in search of a soul, yet it looks not to the heavens for answers — instead it stares in awe up its own gaping asshole, whispering with quivered lips, “You go, girl.” Yes. YES. Metal is a cliche, a reproduction, derivative and fucking lame. Metal is an echo chamber.

Metal is in constant celebration of a victory it has never achieved.

Ok, the “You go, girl.” part did raise a smirk on my face. I will be the first to admit that some of these things are true. Some of these are things people don’t want to hear. And some of these are just down-right fucking stupid. These are also some of the vaguest fucking crass statements I have heard. David Hall sounds like some random ex-writer for Rolling Stone magazine who is bitter that this month’s issue didn’t have that eagerly-awaited review on the 40th re-re-re-re-re-release of a random Bob Dylan album. Combine that with him trying his hardest to pull off an wannabe-Bukowski sense of smugness and tortured artist soul , just reading his vapid and fleeting words make me feel like I’m going to get a bad case of Taco Bell shits.

David Hall then talks about the importance of the first Black Sabbath album. Which at this point in the game of “I listen to REAL metal” might as well be this automatic safe answer that every writer uses as some sort of leverage in their arguments. It’s like an art student straight out of high school and going up to his university college professor who has been teaching his class for the past 20 years and saying “Art is dying. Dadaism is pretentious bullshit, but Picasso is the start and finishing statement of my argument.” After which he completely fucks up the time-line as far as Metal’s evolution and misses some rather important key points to it’s evolution:

From the first spins of Black Sabbath, metal grew fast. As bands like Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple focused on songwriting, riffs and performance, other musicians crawled out of the swamp and started to take metal in new directions, effectively creating the first subgenres of metal that would lead us to our present state of affairs. Speed metal, black metal, death metal; which led to doom metal, glam metal and thrash; which led to grindcore, technical death metal and crossover; which led to a whole array of sub-sub-sub-subgenres; which ultimately led to “blackgaze,” which, in my opinion, was the death knell of metal, and it’s where we are now, and it really sucks and is shitty and it’s the fucking worst.”

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FUCK ELITISTS! I’M GOING TO BE A NON-ELITIST ELITIST! NOTHING IS GOOD PAST A CERTAIN YEAR!” – David Hall in a shirt that I must admit I’m jealous for not having. Can someone find this for me? I’ll Paypal you ASAP.

Blackgaze? First I am triggered at this that he is not only being racist and homophobic but if he seriously thinks that’s an accurate timeline, then he gives an F for failing history class. IF my assumption of incorrect historical evolution is actually correct, I would highly recommend that he at LEAST read “Sounds of The Beast” by Ian Christe. Decibel Magazine has some really excellent reads concerning essential albums in Metal in all types of genres. Or watch any of the Sam Dunn metal documentaries on Youtube. Even as “For Beginners Only” sources of information, both are way more accurate in pointing out the evolution in an historically accurate fashion. How the FUCK did Speed, Black, and Death Metal lead to Glam Metal? That’s like saying Exhorder is responsible for the existence of Korn. Unless you were to do a Six Degrees To Nu-Metal, that’s a jump that Evel Knievel couldn’t make. And as far as “blackgaze” being the death knell of metal? Have you heard of Five Finger Death Punch? You want to talk about goofy fucking bands? There’s you an easy target.

So, what happened? When did it happen? How did it happen? How did a fertile, underground, credible, artistic and meaningful genre of music go unfettered for almost 40 years before it suddenly hit a wall? Well, like many journalists suggest, it wasn’t Nazism, misogyny, racism or elitism. It is a fallacy to assume that one genre of music is discriminatory — a) music is inanimate; it isn’t anything but sounds and words delivered on whatever medium is most profitable; b) music cannot “be” anything but music; any social and human behaviors attributed to music is transference and anthropomorphization; c) fuck off and put your personal politics into a medium or social construct where it belongs and works: social work, politics, medicine, engineering, volunteering — you can’t change a light bulb with a piece of cheese, and you can’t fix (or ruin) society with art.

I can agree with this for the most part. I’ll give him a gold star for today for not using tired, worn-out, and over-used accusations and slander. Good job in not making this piece part of the online social-political echo chamber.

No. Like most artistic movements, metal’s death blow was commercialization. And more importantly, the widespread acceptance of said commercialization. I can pinpoint the exact point in time when this happened: June 11, 2013. What happened on this date? An album called Sunbather by a band named Deafheaven was released. This was the apex of metal’s commercialization. 1999 – 2012 were creatively fertile, but financially lean times for underground labels. The vinyl boom was just starting to hit. Metal was not quite hip yet. Metal needed a kick-start. And thanks to commerce and cultural appropriation, it got one.”

Soooo, you’ve pretty much stroked yourself  for the first half of this article just to be ready to fire-off a lazy orgasm into your proverbial cumsock? OVER DEAFHEAVEN? Of all bands, you choose Deafheaven to base all of your misguided anger towards? If you were any less impotent, you would pass as a prime candidate for erectile dysfunction pills.

Like Black Sabbath — who did not invent the genre of metal, but perfected it and made it real and signaled its arrival in a measurable, quantifiable, identifiable package — Deafheaven made real (did not invent) a subgenre of metal called “blackgaze,” a combination of black metal and the indie rock subgenre shoegaze. Yes, many other bands played this kind of music before Deafheaven. Yes, many bands in the parenting genres of black metal and shoegaze laid a fertile framework of music prior to Sunbather. But like Sabbath’s Sabbath, Sunbather was a signal post. This post said, “We are blackgaze; we are marking this territory for our own; there will never be a better blackgaze album than Sunbather; we are taking a stand, planting our feet firmly and announcing that from this point forward, WE are the progenitors of a new scene.

And people bought it. Thanks to a propaganda campaign led by Pitchfork, Sunbather became a cultural force in the “underground” world of metal. Except it wasn’t underground metal that was listening or buying. It was children, and those uninitiated and unaware. You know how Nirvana’s Nevermind “invented” grunge, even though those of us who were there can clearly remember an organic scene called “indie” or “alternative” that existed for years before Kurt and co., appropriated it and sold it out? People at Dinosaur Jr shows weren’t listening to or buying Nirvana. People at Pixies and Meat Puppets shows weren’t listening to or buying Nirvana. And yet suddenly Nirvana dropped Nevermind and every asshole at the mall was wearing a flannel shirt. Well, that is Deafheaven and Sunbather. Nobody I know was listening to that band or buying Sunbather. In fact, anyone in the know resented their blatant skip-the-line success. But suddenly everyone at the mall was wearing corpsepaint and praising Loveless by My Bloody Valentine. No, the music on Sunbather isn’t terrible. That’s a personal call. Musical enjoyment is subjective. Whatever goes in your ears is for your ears only. But suddenly Deafheaven were everywhere, had the Breaking Bad of “metal” albums, and for a time, you know, it was fine. People wanted to buy their records. Sure. Cool. I mean, Pitchfork was guilty of selling an album as black metal that has no business being called black metal, but for the most part, the success of Sunbather was organic and fan-based: real, dedicated metal outlets pretty much ignored and/or scoffed at the band, and fans drove the album’s success. Hey, there’s no accounting for bad taste, right?

Stop. Please, for the love of Cthulhu. Just stop.

What happened next, however, was not organic, was not fan-driven or relatively harmless cultural appropriation. What happened next is what killed the underground scene and brought us to the point we are at now: Deafheaven, too $uccessful to ignore, started to be given credibility by the metal press. And even worse, other underground labels — much like the “grunge” frenzy in the ’90s — started to look for more Deafheavens. Blackgaze, and other nonsensical subgenres that have no business being sold as metal, started to be sold as metal. And bands began to change their style to profit from this. Suddenly, a niche was making money. People were selling out. People were following their wallets. And the worst part is no one seemed to care. On August 4, 2016, eyewear conglomerate Luxottica, through its child company Ray-Ban, released an ad campaign featuring Deafheaven. It used their music, their images and their story. (Well, the campaign spun their story anyway.) Suddenly, Deafheaven were brave innovators who stood up to their critics, and against all odds, released an album. They had courage! #ittakescourage. That was the hashtag given to the Deafheaven campaign. Metal. Reduced to a fucking hashtag and a sunglasses commercial. And the worst part? Nobody said shit. People loved it! And any form of criticism was brushed off as “haters” or “Well, Deafheaven has always just been about seeing how far they can take it.” The band sold themselves out and sold out underground music, and people fucking loved them for it. They were heroes. And anyone who said otherwise was a misogynist, racist, homophobic “edge-lord.” That’s when underground metal died for me. Not the music — I love the music … well, not Deafheaven — but the spirit and ethos and individuality of metal. Sold to a fucking sunglasses company. It made me really depressed.

I suddenly felt like I was in The Matrix or Inception. At metal shows, everyone looked the same and acted the same. Throw the “horns” up and party! Be blind to the conformity that surrounds us. Eyes wide shut, please. Buy. Conform. Don’t criticize. Go inside and eat supper with the pigs. Accept. Blame! Be inclusive for THE SAKE OF SOCIETY! WELCOME ALL CONSUMERS TO THE TABLE. MAKE METAL YOUR IDENTITY. CLICK. BAIT. CLICK. BAIT. MORAL SUPERIORITY THROUGH THINK PIECES!!!!!!! BUY TWO PAIRS OF RAY-BANS, THAT TAKES COURAGE.

Fucking weak, man.”

Before I disagree, I DO particularly remember when the accusations of anyone being against Deafheaven was met with the PC brigade- whatever the accusations they did and can dish-out in total non-sensible fashion as usual. Even I didn’t understand this and I’m not even invested in a band like Deafheaven. I’ve always been extremely indifferent to them -to me they simply don’t exist. I have way better shit to pay attention to, like David Hall’s arguments for example.

BUT

If it takes a band like Deafheaven for you start making comments like this, then YOU are weak. You are what we look at and feel completely taken aback. It’s a total sense of dumbfounded reasoning. Why take every negative thing of both past and present out on one single band? That’s a total cop-out. Mainstream Metal for the most part has always been more or less goofy. Even when the mainstream flirted with the underground in the 90’s, it was goofy to certain degrees. If you equate Deafheaven making black metal acceptable for swoopy-haired hipsters with flannels to cultural appropriate in 2013 as the death-knell of metal, then I would hate for you to be around in the late 90’s to early 2000’s when Cradle of Filth made it acceptable for Marilyn Manson fans to cultural appropriate with contact lenses and write shitty poetry about vampires named Lestat.

This was the apex of metal’s commercialization. 1999 – 2012 were creatively fertile, but financially lean times for underground labels.

I seriously doubt you were around in the late 90’s. If you were then you would not be trying to sound like some washed-up 45 year old Dad with a mullet wearing a sleeveless Metallica shirt – one who complains about how metal past the year 1991 sounds like shit because of “cookie monster vocals.” As far as metal’s commercialization starting in 1999? I think you have mistaken Nu-Metal’s success with whatever else you are talking about, but then I still can’t even tell.  If you had a point, you lost me. My advice?  Instead of giving a band like Deafheaven more press and clicks, go listen to new and recent albums by Blood Incantation, Loss, Power Trip, Ulver, Immolation, Death Worship, Nails, Necrot, Full Of Hell, or a dozen other bands and releases from the past 3 years that you can give more attention and energy into. Do that rather than make asinine and crass statements that will only grant you favors and sloppy handjobs from the authors of Metalsucks. If this was clickbait, then you one-upped Axl Rosenberg when he claimed that Todd Jones is a scene-bully. Congratulations Dad.

Closing statement to David Hall:

US black metal band Woe gets accused of being Nazis and Antifa can’t understand why people dislike them.

I love irony. Not in the cheeky kinda way that has been glamorized by dapper haircut-wearing hipsters who listen to Deafheaven during the past several years, but the kind of irony that brings to light that in spite of all the claims of ‘progression’ that people have claimed and fought for years, the truth is we have NOT and we will never truly progress until we stop throwing labels at everything with what our ideals dictate that we should.

Unfortunately, US black metal band Woe has fallen victim to this false sense of progression. And they certainly haven’t been the first and sadly will not be the last. That’s no slight towards the band because I have been online friends with Woe frontman Chris Griggs for a good handful of years now. Not only do I support the band (you should too, they make good jamz to fuck with), but I support their right to free speech which is is one of the core fundamentals that this blog stands for in the face of the current online Metal social media game. With all this said, here’s what led up to the current bullshit that is currently making waves on my FB newsfeed.

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Woe and Ultha were just kicked off of a show because we are performing with Inquisition. We learned this via SMS, before our booker was informed, after driving four hours across Germany, and with no opportunity to appeal the decision.

The absurdity of this situation is profound. For years, we have been exceptionally vocal about our political and social stances but still careful to not let them define us as a band. We never backed down from an opportunity to discuss it in interviews, we never shrank from it online, we covered a classic anti-fascist punk song to extremely apolitical black metal crowds, and we doubled down with songs like “No Blood Has Honor” on our new album. Along the way, we introduced countless black metal fans who had never considered politics that it is possible to take an anti-fascist stance without sacrificing the harsh, abrasive stance of a black metal band.

Our politics have made us the subject of ridicule by some people in the extreme metal scene, but we do not care. Even our detractors typically understand that black metal is full of conflict and diversity. Those who hate us for our liberal views are free to do so, and, ironically, those are the people who are least willing to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do, what shows we should and shouldn’t play. We’d find this funny if it wasn’t so poignant right now.

The worldwide extreme metal scene is a diverse, complicated thing full of people with different backgrounds and experiences. Many bands and fans have never once thought about politics, many of them do not care about politics and object to the idea that they should have to care about them to appreciate music. To these people, riffs are riffs, songs are songs, imagery exists to build mood, and message is secondary to feeling. Even within Woe, we have varying levels of political involvement. Regardless of whether you agree with the apolitical metal fan’s perspective, recognizing it is crucial to understanding why bands with questionable backgrounds can operate on an international level and why a band like Woe might choose to put ourselves in close proximity to people with whom we may not agree.

Woe and our tourmates Ultha exist to create and perform art, not proselytize, but we are also adamant that performing at explicitly apolitical events with diverse lineups is crucial for the representation of our social and political beliefs. Black metal encourages questioning systems, offending those in power, and evolving beyond outdated beliefs.

If we were to only play to crowds who were squeaky clean, nothing would change, nobody would grow. Similarly, if you think that a band has committed such intense crimes that they should be barred from participating in the international scene, that is between you and the band, not your allies who choose a different approach to engagement. If we choose to participate in an event, it is because we are confident that it does not compromise who we are.

To have a show canceled now, after years of unflinching willingness to stick our necks out to crowds who might be unreceptive, goes beyond being a slap in the face. Hamburg ist Droneburg and the venue Hafenklang decided how two openly anti-fascist bands, one of whom is primarily comprised of people of Jewish background, should engage with extremism in a music scene that is only now starting to become politically aware. We and those alongside us deserve the trust and respect to effect change as we see fit. Every adult must be responsible for themselves and choose a level of involvement that is right for them. It is not appropriate for others to decide how we should or should not engage.

This is why the right thinks that the left is full of fools and reactionary children who have never stepped out into the real world. Rather than targeting the actual fascists or supporting allies within the scene, they eat their own. Hamburg ist Droneburg and Hafenklang have today acted as agents of the right by silencing us and, once again, promoting the right’s message that anti-fascism is the enemy of black metal.

Despite this, we are resolute in our position. We played an antifa benefit in Brooklyn for J20 protestors barely a week before leaving for this tour, and we will continue to support the greater mission. Those responsible for today’s cancellation, as with all similar events, are people from outside of the scene who have decided that they know how to handle our problems better than those of us actively participating in the metal scene. To those who would deprive of us our voice and strip us of our agency, we urge you to improve this situation by making bridges with people within the metal scene. Wars like this are won through discussion and understanding, not force.

Man. I could make a really bad fucking joke about this being the first time I’ve haven’t seen Jewish people being banned from Germany since 1943 in a way to bring humor to the topic, but in that terrible joke I just made it should be a massive wake-up call to the idiots in Antifa to stop doing this whole ‘guilty by association’ bullshit that they are currently having fun with. Banning Marduk in Oakland through the use of local law enforcement is no different than what they just pulled with Woe in Germany. At the end of the day it’s still censorship of music. And I would argue that it’s far scarier than whatever current unpopular president is doing something internationally. Mostly due to the fact that for a lot of people, the underground has always been their second home that they have found like-minded people in and that there IS positivity found in an extreme form of music. And the fact that’s coming under a modern day form of censorship IS very scary. It’s scarier that the people that ideally the underground WOULD more or less connect with are the ones who are currently causing all the fucking trouble WITHOUT the help of actual white supremacists. It’s scary to me because as someone who has been part of this entire weird underground for so long, that Tipper Gore‘s wet dream of silencing and censoring metal bands is slowly but surely coming to fruition with the help of the assholes in Antifa. And how Chris Griggs explained why the right thinks that the left is full of fools and reactionary children who have never stepped out into the real world and rather than targeting the actual fascists or supporting allies within the scene, they eat their own is fucking dead on. His words that most fans of this black metal genre are Apolitical are especially true. That Apolitical part extends to loud mouth shitposting assholes such as myself that actually prefer a reasonable and logical neutral/common ground stance to things where the shades of grey are just that and that not all things are of black/white thinking nature.

The sad fact of all this is that this sort of thing will not stop. The reality is that bands such as Woe, FIN, hispanic/South American bands and countless other black metal bands will be targeted for being associated with or coming under the asinine assumption that they are somehow Nazi-sympathizers. Which that is the ultimate irony because majority of these bands ARE multi-ethical and are not the usual Northern Euro/Anglo Saxon-ancestry that the politically correct love to fucking target because of that whole stance of being anti-patriarchy. Even bands such as Krieg, Bolzer, InquisitionDestroyer 666, and Wolvhammer have been accused for whatever reason as well even with zero logical proof of evidence that they have any ties or association with the extreme far-right. And again I see no end to this modern-day witch-hunt. The only positive thing I see coming out of all of this is that despite how hairy and politicized everything has become in the past few years, at least I know the the underground metal scene in general still has teeth, claws, and talons that are still sharp enough to bite back at those who try to bring in their political correct banner which is nothing more than a thinly-veiled form of censorship. Keep an open mind and know who the real enemies of the underground are.

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A Few Bad Apples Will Definitely Ruin the Bunch.

In the past rough 36 hours has been one of the more shocking things that as a 34 year old hurtling towards middle age was taken back and legit shocked/disgusted/appalled by. Famous journalist Kim Kelly of Vice News was attacked and bullied to the point of it going beyond the underground’s knee-jerk reaction to something she said or any other journalist/blogger. As with anyone who goes by the label of journalist or blogger(myself included), our words are taken in black and white and as the truth, while our past actions are brought under a microscope to be given the severity of the criticism that will come our way in various degrees. But what happens when it goes beyond that and legit bullying comes into light. Lemme try and break down this for ya;

Kim Kelly whom for the record I don’t agree with and find her stance (considering her history as far as what she believes in) to not be favorable in my view, tweeted her opinions(which she has every right to do so) on the current state of metal in 2017 and then what happened next was something that is borderline Elementary-style playground bullying. And unfortunately it’s taken so many times for a person like Kim Kelly to cry wolf to where actual fucking online bullying directly made fun of and insulted something that she was born with and physically cannot help. Kim Kelly has congential hand deformity of her left hand. There are various different types but she has something that she cannot help or has no control over and was born with. Online bullies made a Facebook page where they completely mock her and used her disability to deliberately hurt her because of such all based on her stating her opinions and how she views what is going on in the state of metal in 2017.

Kim Kelly HAS written and discussed ( in her view) the negative aspects about black metal and metal in general in the past. A lot of times those said discussions has fallen on deaf ears for various reasons that I won’t go into and for a lot including myself, we simply do not meet eye-to-eye with. But for me to do something as I am about to discuss is like me going up to the owners of Metalsucks and showing up at their doorstep with a fucking SS Wehrmacht uniform and doing my best impression of Germany in 1941. Now again, I understand if one does not agree with someone else’s opinion on whatever the fucking topic of discussion is at hand. Everyone more or less has the right to a legit discussion and adult-based argument without it turning into your stereotypical mainstream media news bit talking point slander fest that you might catch on Bill O’Reily or Rachel Maddow or Bill Maher or whomever you are currently politically identifying with or however people use to describe the modern day hive-mind mentality that quite frankly isn’t getting us fucking anywhere.

I personally am very thick-skinned. It takes a lot for me to REALLY be actually be disgusted/appalled/taken-back/shocked/etc considering how long I’ve been a fan of this thing that I hold so dearly to my heart which is not JUST black metal, but Metal and specifically the Metal underground. I’ve always seen the underground as a place with honest, genuine people who come from various and different backgrounds can come together and prove something to the rest of the world that clearly doesn’t give a fuck about us that we have something pretty kick-ass going….and to the uninitiated and general mainstream society it’s a shock-filled edgy dilapidated haunted house with a huge spooky sign that clearly states “Enter At Your Own Risk.” But after so many years of seeing the underground has taken almost every extreme taken to show it still has teeth in which it can use to prove to mainstream society that we are not something to be fucked with, this is by far the first time I am having to seriously question the very nature of where all of this is going and quite honestly it’s not going to go very far. And this type of thing did not just hurt Kim Kelly, it’s the kind of thing that has affected a number of my online female friends that I chat with about various things.

I know what I wrote about a few weeks back had a lot of people questioning what I was doing and which I replied to several messages/texts explaining it was for the sake of comedy. It was satire based on the superficial bickering that females in the metal scene do to one another and I even took shots at males and even myself in the same comedy bit. Comedy/satire used to bring to light something that a lot of people are guilty of doing is no different than what you might read on The Hard Times or in an article written by Finn McKinty a.k.a. Sergeant D of Metalsucks notoriety. I honestly think that comedy is the one thing that can help ease some of the tension and bring everyone together and help them realize that yes even though we are all at each-other’s fucking throats on social media, in reality nobody is really any better than one another AND that no matter whom your current mainstream worldly cult of personality is, they don’t give a fuck about us. To them, we are something that is passe’ and aging. But what happened to Kim Kelly goes far beyond that as well.

But guys – specifically this entire rant is directed to the assholes who made that FB page – and I stress on refraining from using the world “gentlemen” because what happened was not very gentleman-like. It wasn’t even fucking anywhere close to how a logical/reasonable adult would conduct themselves and I am specifically talking about those of us who have better shit to worry about than making fun of someone with a disability and/or crippled. That is the very definition of some little prick who was held back twice and dropped out of middle school because he refuses to grow-up or possible borderline sociopathic. This isn’t me being a white-knight, and you can call me every over-used fucking term from last year and can take away whatever cult credit I have (not like shit has been cult since roughly 2003 btw), but deliberately hurting someone that you do not agree with and using their disability as a weapon is down-right inhumane. And as someone who comes from a southern family with a rich military history and who also enlisted to defend this crumbling and broken nation which at times I still question if it was fucking worth it whenever I see bullshit such as this, is something that goes against everything that was instilled into me by both grandfathers and my father who I looked up to who were confirmed fucking hard but at the same time had 3 of the biggest hearts and these were men that dodged and took fucking bullets and did some incredibly amazing acts of valor and honor to their country that I’ll be the first to admit would scare the living shit out of me if I were in the same situation. Those were real men. They stood by and defended not only their country by myself and my family which included my mother, grandmother and every female in my family. I know I would never even dare use my grandmother’s disability to hurt her (she had scoliosis/spinal surgery) or even use my very own mother’s health issues to attack her. That shit right there is beyond anything I could personally do and the same thing applies to everyone with a disability.

Bottom line is this and this is directed to the creators of that particular FB page: you don’t pick on or bully or hurt someone who is physically weaker than you which extends to the sick, elderly, animals, children, and females. This isn’t virtue-signalling just to make me famous online. This isn’t me being an SJW. This goes beyond disagreeing with a Metal journalist who has different politics or views things differently. Because the reality of that is that there will always be someone out there bigger, stronger, and meaner than you. I don’t wish violence upon you, I am above that as well. But I seriously hope you don’t end up in a situation where karma comes to collect on the down-right disgusting shit you did. If you think you define anything of what the underground is about, you’re wrong. The only thing you define is the fact that you are someone who is some 2-inch fucker who has nothing better to do than give the rest of us, including me, a bad fucking image. Grow the fuck up already.

A.V. Club; Another fine example of “metal journalism” in 2017. Clickbait At 11!

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It’s 2017 and the name of the game is clickbait.

I seriously love the internet. It’s a great place to be in 2017. Last week I went from being called a “cuck” one day and by that following Saturday I get hints and accusations of being a Nazi-sympathizer. So that was fun and I had some laughs along the way. Either way, upon waking-up this morning with sinus drainage due to allergies and a raw scratchy throat, I was immediately informed about this bullshit and weak fucking attempt to more or less re-hash the same argument made by the likes of Metalsucks, Metalinjection, Invisible oranges, etc. Only this time the idiot who wrote the article obviously didn’t fact-check a fucking thing and all he did was re-post the same generalizations and accusations made by Blastbeat Network-affiliated sites.

17194006_10208808315709627_111455345_oYESSSS!!! There we go with the Nazi accusation. Mah boi!!!!

To save you a few minutes and to save you from giving them their clickbait they are so much begging for atm, they go into the same examples, and same horseshit left-over from last year. The only band I am surprised they did not bring up is Destroyer 666 which I fucking wish they had seeing how those crazy Aussies have the cajoles to stand up to asshole “metal jounalists” who at this point have disintegrated and devolved  into nothing but one big giant fucking click-bait assembly factory.

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“My favorite black metal band is Deafheaven.” – Assembly line-manufactured blogger for a clickbait website.

Yes I know. As the old saying in Military Intel goes, “Consider the source of where this bit of information originated from”, but regardless this dude looks like he sucks dicks through his butthole, for real. And this idea that these johnny-came-way-too-late hipsters who didn’t even come from any sort of Metal background thinking they can waltz thru, change the rules and say whatever the fuck they want and not get any sort of backlash or reaction from an extreme genre is in reality not only bullshit, but downright naive. I’m sure they thought when attending their liberal arts college campuses they had big dreams of changing the world and other youthful fantasies and delusions of grandeur, and MAYBE(I stress the doubt of that word) good intentions, but now they are realizing that they wont be changing anything considering when they all look like they just jumped off some sort of fucking assembly line. Proof below:


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“You’re either with us or you’re against us!!!” – Says the assholes who probably complained about when George W. Bush said that as president during the early-to-mid 2000’s. Fucking hypocrites.

I know I will not be winning any points or getting any good job with the world of mass-media especially metal-related any time soon, but in reality I am almost glad I will not seeing if this is the sort of scare-tactics and lack of giving a shit where you get your information from, than fine, fuck it, I will take my chances with doing this blog all on my own. It’s fucking disgusting and appalling that so-called “metal journalism” has turned into a huge gigantic shame-fest by a generation of people who want to be seen as “virtuous” and politically correct but in reality to them is just one giant fucking paycheck. They don’t care who’s name they drag through the goddamn mud. They certainly do not care about the actual fans or followers of extreme music, nor do they care about anything other than getting that article out that is going to attract tons of clickbait, and likes, and controversy, and all this shit that has ironically more or less made them the establishment. These gigantic buttholes who look like the sniff wine bottle corks and probably sniff their own farts and whom all seem they come from LA/Brooklyn/Portland/Seattle/San Francisco/random lefty-type culture city. If you do not agree with them 100% then BAM – Nazi! Homophobe! Sexist! Transphobe! Islamaphobe! Republican! Trump supporter! LITERALLY HITLER! If you live in any fly-over state and god help you if you are from the south….you’re beneath them in their elitist mindset. The same elitism they preach against when it comes to Metal in general. Holy shit, I love people with double-standards who don’t even own up and admit they at least have them.

When all is said and done, these type of clickbait articles have gotten so goddamn generic and play-by-play as far as accusations go, I seriously can’t tell if it came from Metalsucks, Metal Injection, Invisible Oranges….it’s one giant stroke-fest at this point folks. So there you go you self-proclaimed virtuous gentlemen of liberal values who have done nothing but accuse, generalize, slander, assassinate, censor, talk-down, and control the very genre of music you say you fucking support. To quote someone whom I think you may have heard in one of your liberal arts college campuses’ philosophy classes before you became the media establishment for the past 8 years, here’s a daily reminder:

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster… for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” – Feidrich W. Nietzche

Now that I have your attention; let me redirect your anger and hatred to the REAL enemy of Metal and all that it stands for.

Y’all got shook didn’t you. Go ahead and admit it, I rattled your cage a bit. No I wasn’t trolling with that last thing I wrote if that is what you might still be wondering about. I wanted to get some of you and hopefully snap you out of your directionless crusade against Pop Stars or Hollywood celebrities that truthfully DON’T care about you and redirect it to something you OUGHT to be more concerned about. Something that is more or less Tipper Gore’s wet dream come true;

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Yeah, these assholes.

For those that don’t know they are called ANTIFA (short for Anti-Fascism). Without going into any sort of elongated history of them – which I’m sure you can easily Google yourself – these douchebags are the modern-day answer to anything they deem offensive. Imagine a SUPER Sjw. Imagine so far left, that everything they see is fucking Nazis. Doesn’t matter if someone is mentioning WWII, they will eventually call you out, shut you down, make threats, protest, and then circle-jerk themselves into oblivion afterwards thinking they won some virtuous battle when in reality they are only pushing people more to the right than ever before. Making people favor conservatism. Making and marginalizing working-class people with NO political idealology suddenly pick a side that is NOT Antifa’s favorite. And even further into the extremes of the right political ideology. And it doesn’t stop there.

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FUCKIN’ NAZIS LEAVE! [autistic screeching intensifies]

If you’re a Metal fan, then they have their eyes on you. If you’re a Metal band with WWII imagery, watch-out they then have a raging hard-on for you. If you are specifically from somewhere in the Nordic part of the northern hemisphere, well you can only imagine that you just might get the best attention from those clueless fucks and some of the best publicity. Because without going into too much detail, and again you can Google it, Swedish Black Metal band Marduk was banned in Oakland by Antifa on their latest US tour/trek by forcing/threatening/harassing local law enforcement until they caved-in and met Antifa’s demands. The very reasons why Antifa acted like the very fascists/Nazi’s they are goose-chasing around in the dark but all of them were completely fucking pointless. One of them was that Marduk being allegedly Nazis. To where was no trace or proof of them supporting National Socialism or pandering Nazi-sympathy, the only thing they went by was that the lyrical themes of Marduk revolve around discussing WWII and the atrocities committed by Nazis in an OBJECTIVE stance. Past that, all it resulted in the internet blowing up and people who are usually left-minded/liberal even saying “Fuck Antifa!

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Except for dildos such as this. I wish someone WOULD knock the shit out of him.

And the websites are eating this shit up like crazy. Websites such as Metalsucks, Invisible Oranges, Metalinjection are all playing the good guys like they are fucking All State Insurance who are “always on your side,” yet these websites have been doing their modern-day McCarthyistic witchhunt against Metal in general and all of it’s non-politically correct glory. Or if they find out that you have any sort of conservative views. They more or less waved their virtuous flag high enough for the past 8 fucking years to signal and invite assholes like Antifa into our weird little sub-culture so when the extreme left comes in all of a sudden they are like “No! That’s censorship! That’s wrong!” See, to them it’s all fun and games and name-calling and finger-pointing but when their side starts burning books and censoring and telling you what you can and cannot listen to, they will simply not admit to their own double-standard hypocrisy. Especially when fuckheads like Axl Rosenberg says shit like, and I quote: “Regardless of Marduk’s message or intentions, threatening them or their fans physically is a horrible idea. Freedom of speech is a two-way street. Protest the band all you want, but don’t hurt anyone. If you do hurt someone, you’re not making your point, you’re just acting as a recruitment tool for the enemy, who may seem reasonable by contrast.“And  that’s even more hilarious: the side that the so-called liberals were supposedly on, that was SUPPOSED to stand for free speech is now all fucking for protesting, calling-out, branding, labeling, AND censoring. Well that’s a poetic note. And it’s the best example of irony that I have ever heard/seen. In the end of all of this online hoop-la, I just hope Antifa doesn’t hear about a band called Slayer. They’ve been singing about the infamous WWII Officer and doctor Joesef Mengele and the atrocities against humanity he committed in Auschwitz concentration camp for the past 30 fucking years. So where are the protests for their shows? And I’m even going to indulge a bit in some Member berries, but remember when it was the far-right Christian loons that protested metal shows? My how times have changed. Also I have my suspicions, but I wouldn’t be too surprised if these Antifa assholes just so happened to be fans of Motorhead which would be fucking hilarious.

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YES! Mah fuckin’ boy! 

Closing argument, I will refer to the anthem for 2016 which….might as well be the anthem for 2017 as well seeing the way things are going:

“Right wing commies
Leftist Nazis
Point their fingers
Rumours linger

We don’t care what you think

Branded sexist
Labelled racist
Want it clearer ?
Check the mirror

We don’t care what you think

Lies and slander in vain try to shame us
Riots, protests, violence just makes us famous
TV interviews, free publicity
Increase record sales dramatically

The left they say I’m a facist
The right calling me communist
Hate hate hate hatred for all – one and all
No matter what you believe
Don’t believe in you – and that’s true

Some would say that we’re biased
Accusations that we are racist
Well, shit comes in all hues
Now this means you
Cause things ain’t always like they seem

We hate everyone

We don’t care what you think. We don’t give a fuck!”

Try-hard wannabe Metal fans are insecure that a famous female pop figure is supporting a vegan leather jacket with a Mayhem logo on the back.

I was having a rather excellent past weekend personally. And then I was informed last night on my FB newsfeed of this certain thing and right now I am just wondering…..”And this is why we are painted to be overgrown fucking man-children.”

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Whatever you do, don’t tell people they sell Mayhem shirt at Hot Topic.

Kat Von D posted a picture of her wearing a vegan leather jacket with the Mayhem logo on the back painted on it, blah, blah, blah, more or less the same type of overly-dramatic reaction that a famous person gets that is suspected and accused of metal cultural appropriation. Not only did she get flak from those doofuses, but she also got flak from her fellow vegans for supporting a jacket with the Mayhem logo on it. Which her fellow vegans are pissed and are making claims of animal abuse from noted interviews by members of Mayhem all the way back in the day. In this instance I can actually give her a nice little golf clap for pissing off everyone with this particular thread and picture. So I’m not dogging Kat Von D or downing here or anything. And she’s a human being and she can listen to whatever she wants to because it doesn’t affect me in anyway shape or form what-so-ever. But the later is not my particular grievance with this article. I think at this point in my almost nearing 34 years of age, I am still having a hard time on why Metal fans won’t grow the fuck up over certain issues. One of them being this particular issue that always more or less makes me question if these people ever actually hit puberty.

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I WISH PRESIDENT TRUMP WOULD SERIOUSLY DEPORT YOU FUCKING NERDS

I get that you are pissed that one of the Kardashians was spotted wearing a Slayer shirt that she paid for $500 on Ebay for. I get that you think Metallica is a fucking joke for performing with Lady Gaga (I’m actually a fan of her myself, but I’ll save that for another discussion piece) on the Grammys. And I totally understand that it makes your blood boil whenever one of the Olson Twins wore an Iron Maiden shirt on Sunset Blvd all the way back when you first jumped off the Korn/Nu-metal bandwagon and saw Avenged Sevenfold at Ozzfest or whatever. I totally understand where you are coming from and I am here to tell you, for your own good and to help you not look like anymore of mongoloid retard than you already are, that you are NOT the gatekeepers to ANYTHING. And here’s why:

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STOP DOING THIS

Times have changed. You are the by-product of the informational super-highway digital age where anyone can find anything in a split second with the help of Google and Youtube and Bandcamp and Spotify and Facebook and just about every other tool on the internet. You’re also the by-product of two actual adults that didn’t exactly plan you, and that lack of abortion services from Planned Parenthood led to a sloppy/shitty form of procreation which led to the birth of your ignorant ass. Some dude that “misses the 80’s and 90’s” even when your “Friends” and “Dawson’s Creek“-watching Generation X parents were smoking weed to their favorite Nirvana and Sublime songs. And you’re the kind of johnny-come-waaaaay-too-fucking-late who was, more than likely, born in fucking mid-to-late 90’s. Some dude who waltz thru his newsfeed, and acts as if he was blowing Snorre W. Ruch while he was help creating the archetype Norwegian Black Metal riff. Your sacred cows you call bands that you worship aren’t underground. They haven’t been underground since Kerrang magazine covered them in ’92. They WON’T be underground again because they have too huge of a following and if you seriously think that the clocks are going to mysteriously roll back to 1987 and you’re reading that one ad for Mayhem in Slayer ‘fanzine advertising them when they didn’t even HAVE a demo and went by reputation only – then it’s time to snap out of that fantasy and deal with that sad suck-fuck situation of your distorted reality which is this:

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THIS IS YOU

You’re a bunch of overgrown insecure boys who got picked on in school, got told you had small penises when someone pulled your towel from you in the gym showers, and weren’t invited to the cool kids table. And then when some alpha jock fingered-banged that one cheerleader you had a crush on, it hurt you. Only you didn’t use that hurt and pain to better yourself, or to grow or to do anything that makes a human being an actual human being. You let it continue to the same cycle of misdirected anger and you’re throwing shade (whatever the fuck kids call it these days) and you’re giving level-headed music fans and guys such as myself a bad image, forcing jerk-offs from the likes of Metalsucks, Metalinjection, Invisible Oranges, so forth and so on, to make claims that Metal fans are misogynists. All because YOU couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut. All because you still think it’s 2003 and nobody in the world else knows about Moonblood.  It’s a never-ending cycle that breeds some really nasty shit, but not as down-right nasty and immature and white trash such as yourself.

Maybe one day when you’ve grown-up, stop caring what a certain celebrity does, get over the fact that just because a female likes a band such as Midnight doesn’t mean it’s your duty to act like a complete dick or some nerdy Dungeonmaster who makes up the rules as the game goes along just to have some delusional sense of control and to be some overly-controlling asshole. And as far as loosing your virginity goes…..wondering if a female can name 3 songs from a certain band isn’t going to earn you sloppy seconds buddy. Having a house, a car, a job, and healthcare are more important than a female knowing every single Sarcofago song ever made.

Invisible Oranges basically copies past argument points and offers little to NO resolutions or alternatives and again makes false accusations of fan-bases.

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Another Blast Beat Network-affiliated website has come under a bit of fire today from its readers, ironically it’s not who you think it is. Quite the opposite, this time it’s Invisible Oranges whom I personally have never had an issue with – for the most part – but they do at times tend to tilt a bit to a certain side which I disagree with for the most part. But past where I personally stand on where THEY stand, they had to dig up age-old and over-talked about topic of Metal clichés.

It’s amusing when metal news websites think that they are in the right all the damn time, and completely ignore the actual people that do support, attend, and take part in this GLOBAL culture that has been building itself up to the point where we have become rather independent and self-sustaining for the past…oh….40 fucking years. And here comes another website telling US again what we should think, who we should listen to, how we should communicate, etc. Again, this is the kind of shit that led to a backlash in the first place; acting smug as shit and telling its readers to fuck off, accusing them of certain things and calling them names. And when a website such as Invisible Oranges and some other ones take part in this “The first shot has been fired!” contest, and they get a heaping amount of negativity piled on them in which they chalk up as “racism, sexism, misogyny, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, anti-Semitism” etc. It’s like seeing that one kid on your block who is poking at a hornet’s nest with a rake while standing on a ladder. That’s exactly all this is.

But enough logic on my part, let’s go into what exactly they are seeing as “metal clichés.” I will essentially counter-act the fallacies of their argument with my personal solutions that I’m sure just about every metal fan or music fan can agree on and find universally appealing.

10. Blast Beats – “The magic of the blast beat is that it seems to bend time. When Pete “The Feet” Sandoval kicks the double bass drums as fast as he can, it sounds as if he’s going slowly. And some bands use this to great effect. At the same time, though, one of the greatest strengths of the blast is the neck-snapping inertia that it emulates when it stops. Like most instrumental techniques, it performs at maximum power when it’s not the be-all-end-all. Now they’re a given songwriting element, and therefore a boring one, especially when they underline post-rock crescendos. To make blast beats exciting again, we all need to use them less.”

Nope. Keep blast beats. Keep blast beats the way they are and LISTEN TO OTHER TYPES OF METAL. Blast beats are an essential part of what makes extreme music actually extreme. May be I’m the kind of dude that like to listen to other kind of music and not focus so much on the 10th gazzilionth deathcore/progressive death metal flavor-of-the-month type band is, but again, if you simply don’t want to hear blast beats…..change the music you’re listening to. Therefore you are free to listen to non-extreme music while assholes like myself can keep on listening to our “boring” music.

9. Slayer Worship – “My personal opinions on Slayer aside, it’s obvious that the band still holds a tremendous influence on extreme metal as a whole. Much of the first wave of death metal more-or-less parroted the band’s sound, as has every wave of thrash knockoffs since. The trouble is that Slayer’s sound is iconic, and so recognizable that even a whiff of their chromatic gallops and dive-bombs instantly dredges up a little piece of “South of Heaven” or “War Ensemble”. The Slayer sound has been pushed to the brink by a litany of bands like Morbid Angel, Death and Ringworm. It seems ridiculous to suggest that anyone will ever launch into three minutes of chugs and double-time skank beats and leave a more indelible impression than Slayer did, so it’s time to stop trying.”

OK, this one I can actually get behind. With the rise and fall-out of the Retro-Thrash fad that popped-up in the mid-00’s as a backlash to the then commercially failing Nu-Metal, I agree. The Slayer worship has to go. Instead, let’s replace Slayer worship with far more better Thrash bands such as Sepultura, Possessed, Sodom, Kreator, Vio-lence, Dark Angel, Demolition Hammer, and Morbid Saint which even though these bands WERE influenced by Slayer, they obviously did it better. Not saying anything negative about Slayer because I will occasionally break-out the “Haunting The Chapel” jamz every once in a while, but yeah….it’s time to move past Slayer and find out about bands like Protector.

8. Black Sabbath worship – “On the contrary, nobody who copies Black Sabbath ever seems to really capture the band’s sound. Tony Iommi’s grim pentatonics still get quoted by a million stoner doom bands, but too few of them remember that at the same time Iommi was laying the foundation for the metal riff as we know it, Geezer Butler was shredding on his bass and Bill Ward was doing god only knows what with his off-kilter drum patterns, and those elements were part of what made Iommi’s riffs great. Sabbath were as much a prog band as a metal band, but their legion of imitators seem content to lazily bust out blues licks in unison on the bottom two strings of their instruments while the drums plod along on a four-four downbeat. Black Sabbath never did that beyond “Iron Man”, and one would think these myriad bands claiming to ‘worship’ Black Sabbath would understand that, but apparently not. Sleep captured this essential part of the Sabbath sound, as do a few self-consciously proggy doom acts, but beyond that I’m coming up short of exceptions. If we can’t even imitate them correctly, then why should we bother?”

This one is on one hand total bullshit, and on the other misguided/misinterpreted. Because I can give you an excellent example of Sabbath-worship bands that have proven you can take the Sabbath worship and deliver them to a newer generation: past examples would be bands like Alice In Chains, Soundgarden, Type O Negative, Crowbar, Melvins, etc. Modern day bands such as Pallbearer, Horn Of The Rhino, and Samothrace are all excellent example of how NOT to confuse Sabbath worship and basically being a clone of Sleep including the weed-worship. You cut out the worship of Sabbath and you lose Metal-as-a-whole’s anchor, its alpha and omega. This one is just plain ol’ bullshit.

7. Ross Bay Cult Sound – “Putting aside for a moment that so much of the fan culture around war metal reads as a white supremacist meet-and-greet, has there ever been a metal trend so indebted to style over substance? Metal trends du jour tend to have a low barrier for entry in general, and in truth there’s not more Ross Bay Cult type bands now than there were folky black metal bands five years ago, but too often this sound consists of 95% tone and 5% riffs with some admittedly excellent drumming behind it. Sure, one could say the same about most grindcore and doom bands, and to be sure most of those bands suck too (and we’ll address one of them in short order) but both of those genres at least sport a few unmitigated geniuses, and neither mess with aesthetics so self-consciously edgy and callous.”

OK, you MAY have had a point with this one, but you pissed it away when you criticized fans of this genre of music by painting it’s fan base with a broadstroke as “white supremacists.” Here’s a shocker; they’re not. One of my best friends in the world whom I consider my long-lost biological brother is Jewish and he is a fan of the band Diocletian. Not to mention a shitload of my friends are of Latino origin and race from the Miami, Florida area and firmly support and mark-out to War Metal. Youske Konisi, a 35-year old year old from Oakland, California who is…..here’s the irony……ASIAN AMERICAN HERITAGE! And his label has supported War Metal loooooooooooooong before you got a hold of your Revenge backpatch with his now globally supported and famous DIY label Nuclear War Now Productions. Are you going to accuse these people of diverse backgrounds of being white supremacist supporters? I think not. So fuck off with this one. Again, don’t like it? Change the channel and listen to something else. Put it plain and simple: if you are a false, don’t entry.

6. Conspiracy Theories – “Occam’s Razor represents more than the namesake of a sick band people often overlook. The principle that the simplest assumption is often the most correct also provides good reason to roll eyes whenever Matt Pike or Chuck Billy open their mouths about shape-shifting aliens running the planet. Too often great metal records and bands slide cringey ideas into their lyrics in the form of paranoid truthing. Good bands, too. The best album The Faceless ever did went full reptoid. Jaz Coleman of Killing Joke sings songs about George Bush masterminding the 9/11 terrorist attacks. In what world is this less worthy of ridicule than B.O.B. thinking the earth is flat? At best, songs about conspiracy theories provide light escapist entertainment, in other words a mild waste of time. At worst, they reinforce the kind of ideas that lead misguided people into hurting the innocent. Meanwhile, in the real world, corrupt people commit heinous evil with government authority without pretense or cover up; people are still drinking lead water in Flint, Michigan, but the only artist of note calling that to attention is King 810. And sure, nobody can definitively prove that our politicians aren’t extraterrestrial chameleons, but it’s a possibility so baseless and remote that it does not merit serious thought, especially when giving them serious thought can undermine the foundations of democracy.”

Granted, I am very neutral on this topic, but that doesn’t stop me from loving and enjoying the hell out of Queensryche’sOperation: Mindcrime” or think that Agent Steel is cool in a nerdy way. Again, leave it alone, and change the channel.

5. Weed – “We may see marijuana legalized in the United States of America our lifetimes, and that’s a good thing. For too long the harmless substance (well, mostly, depending on how it’s administered) has served as an excuse for the incarceration of people, especially African American men. Cannabis has a long history entwined with the movement of historic cultures. The history of the plant is, in some ways, the history of human civilization or at least one lens through which to view our history and glean knowledge from it. Not that you’d get any of that from a metal band that talks about weed. Instead, a tired eyesore aesthetic reminiscent of 70s blacklight posters usually covers up empty nostalgia for a romanticized version of rock and roll history that mostly just made big companies rich (coincidentally something legalizing marijuana stands to do). Album titles that will never be as punchy as Dopesmoker and Dopethrone. Pedal boards substituting for good riffs. There’s nothing wrong with intoxication and good times, but bands that deal in hard drugs often explore the negative causes and effects of substance use and abuse. As for booze, there’s Tankard and drinking songs, but those acts don’t celebrate an anesthetic while claiming it’s a cure-all. And they don’t use neon dye, either.”

Ok, this one I can’t argue with basically because I fucking hate Sublime. Just don’t touch my Bongripper albums tho.

4. Merchandising Superseding Songs –  “There’s more money in merchandise than in selling music. You can’t download a tee shirt. And if we’re to take anything away from pop stars adopting heavy metal aesthetics, it’s that this genre punches above its weight in the realms of iconic imagery and graphic design. That said, what am I as a listener to infer when a young band has more tee shirt options than songs written? (Uada, Weekend Nachos, we remember.) Or when a band clearly puts a ton of time and effort into having an interesting and detailed album cover, but writes rote songs in the well-explored style of another group? Here’s a tip. The great thing about the cover to Sunbather isn’t that it’s pink, it’s that it’s simple. Putting aesthetics over songwriting ignores the simple fact that keeps honest art afloat: content is king.”

While I agree that this isn’t KISS, bands these days have to make some sort of income. At least for a small group of bands that have obviously made their money a long time ago and current bands that I would wish I would never see another one of their shirts again, leave the underground alone. They need an income.

3. Cthulhu – “Metallica likely did H.P. Lovecraft’s estate holders a big favor when they used the cult classic pulp writer’s stories ‘The Call of Cthulhu’ and ‘Dagon’ as inspirations for their songs “The Call of the Ktulu” and “The Thing that Should Not Be” (even if Lovecraft’s estate wouldn’t let them use ol’ octopus-head’s real name in 1984). Lovecraft’s pantheon of tentacled and shapeless mind-bending monsters have since served as the inspiration for metal bands of all sub genre stratification, and driven even more readers into purchasing Lovecraft’s constantly-reprinted bibliography. Since the 80s, Lovecraft’s work has grown increasingly mainstream, spurring a critical re-evaluation, and lightly inspiring big Hollywood franchises (and near-franchises). At the same time, though, the horror and fantasy community is turning away from Lovecraft , in part because Lovecraft’s racism even bled into his works, but also because he has lesser-known contemporaries. ‘True Detective’ did enough to popularize the Yellow King Mythos enough to make “Carcosa” a High on Fire song, but there’s more to weird fiction that even Robert W. Chambers, which means there’s more than enough creepy-crawlies to fill metal records without funneling more attention onto Lovecraft. A suggestion I’ve made before but will make again: Metal bands need to get on the China Mieville tip, or maybe Thomas Ligotti.”

At the same time, though, the horror and fantasy community is turning away from Lovecraft, in part because Lovecraft’s racism even bled into his works.” WOO-WOO! PC Police are here once again to tell you what books NOT to read. Actually, the irony of this situation is that Ray Bradbury wrote a book on the banning and censorship of literature. May be you’ve read it in high school but it was called “Fahrenheit 451.” Even the old television show “The Ray Bradbury Theater” had an episode called “Usher II” where the premise was a futuristic society that banned and burned sci-fi/fantasy/horror books. Even in the 50’s at the nheight of McCarthyism-era horror comic books such as “Tales From the Crypt” were banned and burned by Christian conservatives. I’m not saying the author of this article is advocating the burning of literature, but when you start censoring literature….history has proven that’s where it DOES lead to, and not just with books but with other forms of entertainment including Metal. And this claim about the horror community stepping away from Lovecraft is just pure bullshit. But if that’s the case and you are so staunchly against racism and anything Lovecraft, take all those great and classic death metal albums, horror movies and god-knows-what-else and throw them out your window. I’ll gladly come around your neighborhood with a huge box to collect them, give them a better home and put them to better usage. Because obviously you are so caught up in political correction, you fail to realize that EVERYONE in the 1920’s was racist regardless of what color they were. I would wish for an Old One to materialize out of the sky at night and drive you to the point of insanity, but it looks like you’ve already been driven to liberal madness. Spooky really. I’m pretty sure the kid that picks up and reads “The Call Of Cthulhu” isn’t going to be inspired to start goose-stepping any time soon.

2. Vikings and Norse Mythology – There was a point in time when Norse mythology and history seemed exotic and thrilling to me. The western humanities taught in public schools are still based, for the most part, on the Greco-Roman canon (the histories and mythologies of Egypt and Persia usually relegated to footnotes therein). Keep in mind, Disney made an animated musical about Hercules; that shit is officially no longer cool. Given that, where was the alternative for young minds starved for heroes and gods? The Norse, though? They were awesome. Their gods were easily identifiable the way the Greek gods were, and their history was full of thrilling battles the same way Roman history was. Apparently that wasn’t a very unique idea; now vikings are everywhere. They do battle on television under pseudonyms in ‘Game of Thrones’, and are bastardized in ‘Vikings’. Thor, the Norse god Amon Amarth so often praises serves at the second-rate heavy and first-rate comic relief in a hugely successful film and comic franchise also owned by Disney. Not that this bothers Amon Amarth, who shamelessly mimicked the aesthetic of Marvel’s Loki on one of their album covers. When these names and images are lining the pockets of mainstream entertainment moguls they have no place in outsider art any longer, especially when so many other cutlures have their own rich military histories and spectacular mythologies.

Ever heard of Rotting Christ bro? Kuaxan Suum? Gyibaaw?

1. Satan – “Does this even merit explanation? Satan, at this point, transcends cliche in metal. Understanding various interpretations of the Judeo-Christian devil constitutes learning a huge portion of metal’s aesthetic alphabet. He’s in “Black Sabbath” by Black Sabbath on Black Sabbath. He’s in every strand of metal’s DNA. Here’s the rub: he’s barely in the Bible (and neither is most of his aesthetic accouterments). He’s barely in the world, either. The Church of Satan doesn’t actually worship the devil, though some smaller occult practices do. Further, as not-even-very astute critics point out: acknowledging the devil, at least in part, affirms the metaphysics of Christianity and the other Abrahamic religions that metal seeks to reject. The devil no longer strikes fear in the hearts of normies. The Satanic Panic brought Satan into the minds of parents in the short-term, but normalized him in the long-term. Pop culture has neutered him into one more twist ending, or source of comic relief. The belief systems that position Satan as the nemesis of good are losing their potency. And the faith of such enemies of metal in their own metaphysics is called into question when they support avowed adulterers and sexual predators. There’s fewer Christians around and the Christians that remain are less Christian. In-step with this, metal’s lost the ability to portray the devil as frightening, or even interesting. Deathspell Omega’s unsettling orthodoxy was the last time Satan off put the metal community at large, and it’s no longer niche. Thirteen years after Si Monvmentvm Reqvires, Circvumspice, their style is one other parroted subgenre. One more cliche. The greatest antihero in literature deserves better. Metal listeners deserve better. The more Satan appears, the less potent he becomes. I love yelling “hail Satan” at protesters outside of Planned Parenthood as much as the next goofball in a patch vest, but for the sake of metal’s very first monster, it’s time to give him a break.”

Much like Sabbath, Satan has been there at the very dawn of this genre, and the gentleman goes back further than that. Of course though you COULD start promoting Christian-lyrical themed bands such as Trouble, Living Sacrifice, King’s X and a host of others that you and countless other modern progressive-left metal news websites have made fun of with the whole “Hurr-duur Santa Claus isn’t real dude! See! I just proved you wrong! OMG! You’re a a Christian? Did you vote for Trump as well too bro?” argument since you all started taking over the digital realm. When it comes to Metal…..the Adversary does and will always have the best jamz. Brb, I’m going to go listen to A.M.S.G. 

My personal final closing statement would be that they forgot 1 last metal cliché which I’m surprised they haven’t figured this one out yet: the so-called “metal journalist” who overly analyzes and interprets every aspect of everything, instead of just enjoying the music. The music doesn’t owe you anything.